Random story for you all:
I was talking with one of my dear friends the other day and she told me about when she first knew about this guy being in love with her. I thought I might share the story with you, because the way she described it was hilarious. She doesn't like the guy by the way. This is just a good story. I will try to tell you the story just as she told me:
My friend: "So, I first moved here and I was hanging out with my friends down at Six Flags and there was that one ride where you're in the ball thing and get flown up into the air. And you know, you like, spin around a million times. So, anyways, (the guy who likes her) wanted to go on that ride, and none of my friends wanted to go. And I barely knew this guy; I just moved here. So, I was like 'sure I'll go on that ride with you.' So I went. And while we were hurdling through the air, I looked over at him and I just knew. I just knew in that moment that, dear lord, he was in love with me."
Also, look up the song Come To Me by The Goo Goo Dolls. It's my favorite right now.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
Temporary Home
Alright, so it was occurring to me on April 12, 2014 that I needed to write a blog about something that was making my insides feel a little bit heavy with melancholy. I spent my spring break in good old Kansas City visiting relatives (I actually really enjoy Kansas, even though it's a little dull. I associate it with good things.). It always makes my heart sing that I get to see my whole entire family, too. It's the best. I visited two colleges while I was there (William Jewell in Liberty, KS and College of the Ozarks in Branson, MO) and those were awesome, too. It made me start really thinking about the future (even though I am seriously future-oriented already) in an aspect that the future that I always dreamed of was now quickly becoming the present, and that the stories in my mind of what college would be like could actually come true in their own sort of way.
So, my family and I said farewell to Kansas City on April 12, 2014 (even though my sisters and I wanted to stay another day, but didn't, much to our dismay). April 13 promised snowstorms for Estes Park, CO and April 12 still looked promising when it came to snow, unfortunately. I expected to get snow on our way from KC to EP, and even more importantly, I was hoping for rain. I didn't see any rain the whole entire time in Kansas and I don't even know why the heck not. Rain is like April in precipitation form (if that makes any sense whatsoever). So, I was hoping for rain.
But, while I was on my way back "home" to Estes, it got me thinking. Estes doesn't even feel like home to me. It's a safe haven from all the bad things in cities if anything, but even that's not enough. It's not home. It made me sad to come home to an empty house without any people in it. It made me sad to think about going upstairs to my bed in my messy room and probably just turn on music (like, Mat Kearney or someone. By the way, I'm listening to his song "Breathe In, Breathe Out" right now. It's a good one. Check it out if you haven't listened to it.). It still makes me feel sad that I am sitting on my bed typing this right now listening to Mat Kearney and not feeling like this is really my home. It feels more like my home right now, but I will explain all of this later.
I felt like it was home in Kansas City. I felt happy. I felt happy sitting around at people's houses and I felt happy drinking iced tea and listening to nice acoustic music and I felt happy just being there, and being alive, and being hopeful.
This isn't to say that I absolutely hate Estes. Estes is beautiful, but I guess the blues of being an upper classman in high school is really starting to get to me and I'm really wanting to graduate. I want to live in that future I imagine and I want to take psychology classes at one of the schools I checked out and I want to eat crappy food and be busy with work and find my soulmate, etc etc etc. It's probably because right now, I just really want to find my home, since I don't feel like I have very many friends here and I honestly don't really care if I'm not in contact with anyone after I graduate. This being said, I probably will be in contact with people from high school after I graduate, because I will still miss them, and I'm just a teenager full of angst right now.
This is my conclusion: Home isn't a place. Home is wherever you feel the most love. Home is the people you love the most in the world. That's home.
And it all made sense to me, at least. When I arrived at my house in Estes Park, it didn't feel like home. That's because all my family was with me in the car and no one was in the house and there was nothing to look forward to inside. It's because all my relatives were in Kansas and they're my family and my friends and I felt happier with them and I felt like I was loved more there with everyone, than I am here. I have my mom and my dad and my three sisters, but I don't really have a whole bunch of other people in Estes who I can say I love and they love me back. I have, like, maybe five people. And it's okay, because I actually like being alone sometimes. People wear me outttttt, yo. And I like feeling sad sometimes, and I know it may sound weird, but I like feeling melancholy a lot. I feel like I write better and listen to better music. I'm more creative when I'm sad. But, that's all for another post, though.
Back to the point: I don't feel like I'm home here as much as I feel like I'm at home in Kansas, because there's more people that I love there. When I go to college, it won't feel like home, and when I'm in Estes visiting during college, it probably will feel more like home, because there's more people I love there, than when I'm in college. I think this cycle will go round and round for the majority of my life. I'll never feel at home wherever I live. I might feel at home when I get married and can go home to my husband everyday or something. I might feel at home when I visit Kansas City every spring break. I might feel at home when I visit my parents over Christmas break in college or something.
But, honestly, home will never be a place for me on this Earth ever. This is my temporary home, after all. I know I'll be in Heaven someday, and I know that's my true home, but for now, here I am- prone to wander endlessly on this temporary home, looking for a place where I belong that I'll never truly find.
But for now, I'll just go listen to Andy Grammer and watch The Perks of Being A Wallflower or something, because I'm exhausted after getting all my emotions out of me.
Cheers.
So, my family and I said farewell to Kansas City on April 12, 2014 (even though my sisters and I wanted to stay another day, but didn't, much to our dismay). April 13 promised snowstorms for Estes Park, CO and April 12 still looked promising when it came to snow, unfortunately. I expected to get snow on our way from KC to EP, and even more importantly, I was hoping for rain. I didn't see any rain the whole entire time in Kansas and I don't even know why the heck not. Rain is like April in precipitation form (if that makes any sense whatsoever). So, I was hoping for rain.
But, while I was on my way back "home" to Estes, it got me thinking. Estes doesn't even feel like home to me. It's a safe haven from all the bad things in cities if anything, but even that's not enough. It's not home. It made me sad to come home to an empty house without any people in it. It made me sad to think about going upstairs to my bed in my messy room and probably just turn on music (like, Mat Kearney or someone. By the way, I'm listening to his song "Breathe In, Breathe Out" right now. It's a good one. Check it out if you haven't listened to it.). It still makes me feel sad that I am sitting on my bed typing this right now listening to Mat Kearney and not feeling like this is really my home. It feels more like my home right now, but I will explain all of this later.
I felt like it was home in Kansas City. I felt happy. I felt happy sitting around at people's houses and I felt happy drinking iced tea and listening to nice acoustic music and I felt happy just being there, and being alive, and being hopeful.
This isn't to say that I absolutely hate Estes. Estes is beautiful, but I guess the blues of being an upper classman in high school is really starting to get to me and I'm really wanting to graduate. I want to live in that future I imagine and I want to take psychology classes at one of the schools I checked out and I want to eat crappy food and be busy with work and find my soulmate, etc etc etc. It's probably because right now, I just really want to find my home, since I don't feel like I have very many friends here and I honestly don't really care if I'm not in contact with anyone after I graduate. This being said, I probably will be in contact with people from high school after I graduate, because I will still miss them, and I'm just a teenager full of angst right now.
This is my conclusion: Home isn't a place. Home is wherever you feel the most love. Home is the people you love the most in the world. That's home.
And it all made sense to me, at least. When I arrived at my house in Estes Park, it didn't feel like home. That's because all my family was with me in the car and no one was in the house and there was nothing to look forward to inside. It's because all my relatives were in Kansas and they're my family and my friends and I felt happier with them and I felt like I was loved more there with everyone, than I am here. I have my mom and my dad and my three sisters, but I don't really have a whole bunch of other people in Estes who I can say I love and they love me back. I have, like, maybe five people. And it's okay, because I actually like being alone sometimes. People wear me outttttt, yo. And I like feeling sad sometimes, and I know it may sound weird, but I like feeling melancholy a lot. I feel like I write better and listen to better music. I'm more creative when I'm sad. But, that's all for another post, though.
Back to the point: I don't feel like I'm home here as much as I feel like I'm at home in Kansas, because there's more people that I love there. When I go to college, it won't feel like home, and when I'm in Estes visiting during college, it probably will feel more like home, because there's more people I love there, than when I'm in college. I think this cycle will go round and round for the majority of my life. I'll never feel at home wherever I live. I might feel at home when I get married and can go home to my husband everyday or something. I might feel at home when I visit Kansas City every spring break. I might feel at home when I visit my parents over Christmas break in college or something.
But, honestly, home will never be a place for me on this Earth ever. This is my temporary home, after all. I know I'll be in Heaven someday, and I know that's my true home, but for now, here I am- prone to wander endlessly on this temporary home, looking for a place where I belong that I'll never truly find.
But for now, I'll just go listen to Andy Grammer and watch The Perks of Being A Wallflower or something, because I'm exhausted after getting all my emotions out of me.
Cheers.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Don't Let It Break Your Heart
So, people can be jerks.
Like, there is absolutely no soft side to that.
Everyone can be a jerk sometimes. And maybe, if you're reading this, you're thinking of some friends that spontaneously are ignoring you and also making you feel like they're somehow trying to steal your other really good friends away from you (people you've known longer than they have. Also, these ignorant friends are what I'm thinking of right now, and no, I really could care less if they read this and get offended.) Or, you might be thinking of your ex boyfriend or something who is seriously the biggest jerk face ever right now, or maybe your family who just doesn't make an effort to understand your situation right now, or maybe some guy that just shattered your heart into a million scattered pieces.
You aren't alone. And I know that's so cliche, but it's nice to be reminded of every once in a while.
My points:
1. Don't forget about yourself, take care of yourself, but don't become self-centered and end up trying to purposely hurt people in the process (I've been on both sides of the spectrum- both sides are no fun)
2. Our life is made up of an infinite number of choices. Try to make the one that you believe would be a "win-win" situation. It helps me, at least.
3. If you feel you're trying to make an effort to stay in someone's life, but they're acting like an absolute insane psycho freak, and probably ignoring you or being really mean and hurting you- hold that freaking door open for them. (It doesn't matter what they're situation is. If you're trying to help and mend the situation and they don't want it, just leave. It's the lousy truth, and even I have major problems living by it, but you gotta let those people go, if they've let you go. Don't look back.)
Ok, so let's look more into these three major points that hopefully will help you guard your heart a little more. It's nice to love everyone, and I truly believe we should love everyone! Even those people who are insane psycho freaks or your annoying little brother or your best friend or the druggie that lives down the street- we should love everyone.
Ok, so...
1. You can't forget about yourself, sweetheart! Now, for me personally, I feel like I am the most absolute self-centered person there ever was. I often find myself saying before a sentence: "This is gonna sound so selfish, but..."
However, you absolutely can't forget about how you're feeling. Don't keep holding onto things that are harming you more than they're helping you. I know it's hard, and if you find yourself on the side of ignoring someone because they're hurting you, then do whatever you have to do to live a happier life. But I would strongly, strongly advise to let them know what they did wrong, especially if they are trying to make an effort to see what they did wrong and mend the relationship. Don't keep ignoring them. You're hurting them as much as they might be hurting you, and that is no good, and then it turns into selfishness. Nobody needs more of that drama. Honestly, I've tried to be hurtful and ignore people (like ex-boyfriends, people who said something mean, etc.).
It's nice to just let it go! Forgive them! Talk to them! Life will be so much happier! I've discovered this, as well, in my few years so far on this earth.
2. Try to make the choices that you believe are right from the bottom of your heart. You can still have fun without shooting up heroin. Try to find a situation that will be beneficial to both people in a relationship (this goes for dating, friendships, family, etc.)
3. And also, if you are trying to stay in someone's life, because you want to be there for them, and they're your friend, boyfriend, etc. but they are absolutely not talking to you or being absolute jerk faces (again, I've been a jerk face and a person trying to reach out before), then give them distance. For example, I was ignoring one of my best friends, because I was heartbroken over something they did- it was an idiotic reason why I was mad at them, by the way- and I just wasn't really talking to him. Apparently, he was asking all around about me, making sure I was okay, and would come and check up on me every so often. Of course I was being such a jerk face (I feel awful about it), but finally we ended up talking again and now we are just as close as we ever were. I couldn't do it anymore, I had to talk to him- I feel absolutely awful if I feel like I'm hurting someone or did something bad- and he just said, "I know you seemed sorta bothered by something, and I just decided to give you some distance." I really respected that. He's a really great guy, and I knew he would still be there for me, even though I did need some distance.
Let them know you will be there for them. If they are completely trying to cut you off or trying to make you feel bad, then just let them go completely. That's it, really.
But, don't let this break your heart. I believe God lets certain people come into other people's lives at certain times- and maybe those people stay there forever, or maybe they leave, but these people all teach us something: what it's like to love another person. And then another. And then another.
And if people are making you feel bad or misunderstood, or you just can't understand someone or they're really hard to read (I know I'm probably like that), then realize that everyone's circumstances aren't any better or any worse than any others. Your mom may be schizophrenic, and another person's life may seem perfect, but that's no reason for telling that other person that their life is perfect. It's like telling someone they can't be happy, because someone else in the world just saw their family for the first time or got married. That's stupid, no offense. Everyone has something that's hurting them.
And don't let stupid people or hurtful people break your happiness.
Don't let it break your heart.
Like, there is absolutely no soft side to that.
Everyone can be a jerk sometimes. And maybe, if you're reading this, you're thinking of some friends that spontaneously are ignoring you and also making you feel like they're somehow trying to steal your other really good friends away from you (people you've known longer than they have. Also, these ignorant friends are what I'm thinking of right now, and no, I really could care less if they read this and get offended.) Or, you might be thinking of your ex boyfriend or something who is seriously the biggest jerk face ever right now, or maybe your family who just doesn't make an effort to understand your situation right now, or maybe some guy that just shattered your heart into a million scattered pieces.
You aren't alone. And I know that's so cliche, but it's nice to be reminded of every once in a while.
My points:
1. Don't forget about yourself, take care of yourself, but don't become self-centered and end up trying to purposely hurt people in the process (I've been on both sides of the spectrum- both sides are no fun)
2. Our life is made up of an infinite number of choices. Try to make the one that you believe would be a "win-win" situation. It helps me, at least.
3. If you feel you're trying to make an effort to stay in someone's life, but they're acting like an absolute insane psycho freak, and probably ignoring you or being really mean and hurting you- hold that freaking door open for them. (It doesn't matter what they're situation is. If you're trying to help and mend the situation and they don't want it, just leave. It's the lousy truth, and even I have major problems living by it, but you gotta let those people go, if they've let you go. Don't look back.)
Ok, so let's look more into these three major points that hopefully will help you guard your heart a little more. It's nice to love everyone, and I truly believe we should love everyone! Even those people who are insane psycho freaks or your annoying little brother or your best friend or the druggie that lives down the street- we should love everyone.
Ok, so...
1. You can't forget about yourself, sweetheart! Now, for me personally, I feel like I am the most absolute self-centered person there ever was. I often find myself saying before a sentence: "This is gonna sound so selfish, but..."
However, you absolutely can't forget about how you're feeling. Don't keep holding onto things that are harming you more than they're helping you. I know it's hard, and if you find yourself on the side of ignoring someone because they're hurting you, then do whatever you have to do to live a happier life. But I would strongly, strongly advise to let them know what they did wrong, especially if they are trying to make an effort to see what they did wrong and mend the relationship. Don't keep ignoring them. You're hurting them as much as they might be hurting you, and that is no good, and then it turns into selfishness. Nobody needs more of that drama. Honestly, I've tried to be hurtful and ignore people (like ex-boyfriends, people who said something mean, etc.).
It's nice to just let it go! Forgive them! Talk to them! Life will be so much happier! I've discovered this, as well, in my few years so far on this earth.
2. Try to make the choices that you believe are right from the bottom of your heart. You can still have fun without shooting up heroin. Try to find a situation that will be beneficial to both people in a relationship (this goes for dating, friendships, family, etc.)
3. And also, if you are trying to stay in someone's life, because you want to be there for them, and they're your friend, boyfriend, etc. but they are absolutely not talking to you or being absolute jerk faces (again, I've been a jerk face and a person trying to reach out before), then give them distance. For example, I was ignoring one of my best friends, because I was heartbroken over something they did- it was an idiotic reason why I was mad at them, by the way- and I just wasn't really talking to him. Apparently, he was asking all around about me, making sure I was okay, and would come and check up on me every so often. Of course I was being such a jerk face (I feel awful about it), but finally we ended up talking again and now we are just as close as we ever were. I couldn't do it anymore, I had to talk to him- I feel absolutely awful if I feel like I'm hurting someone or did something bad- and he just said, "I know you seemed sorta bothered by something, and I just decided to give you some distance." I really respected that. He's a really great guy, and I knew he would still be there for me, even though I did need some distance.
Let them know you will be there for them. If they are completely trying to cut you off or trying to make you feel bad, then just let them go completely. That's it, really.
But, don't let this break your heart. I believe God lets certain people come into other people's lives at certain times- and maybe those people stay there forever, or maybe they leave, but these people all teach us something: what it's like to love another person. And then another. And then another.
And if people are making you feel bad or misunderstood, or you just can't understand someone or they're really hard to read (I know I'm probably like that), then realize that everyone's circumstances aren't any better or any worse than any others. Your mom may be schizophrenic, and another person's life may seem perfect, but that's no reason for telling that other person that their life is perfect. It's like telling someone they can't be happy, because someone else in the world just saw their family for the first time or got married. That's stupid, no offense. Everyone has something that's hurting them.
And don't let stupid people or hurtful people break your happiness.
Don't let it break your heart.
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