Friends! Humans! People! I have arrived back to my home aka Colorado aka Den Den City aka Denver. It feels good to be back. As cursed as Denver is in many ways, I have come to love the shambles of the city and I'm just happy to be here.
"A baby therapist?", you may think by the title of my blog. I do not do therapy for babies. I do therapy for people who have been involved in the legal or criminal justice system in some capacity. I am the Baby Therapist. I barely know what I'm doing and yet I graduated grad school. (I probably know what I'm doing in some ways.) (I think.) (Incompetence be damned.)
"Have you worked with children before?" Yes, and I love working with children. However, based on all the years I have spent in undergrad and grad school doing research and digging into who I am as a human and figuring out my true passions and interning, I have stuck with adult therapy for now.
"A mood disorder?", you may think by the title of my blog. Yes, dear reader, believe it or not, I, too, have a mood disorder.
"What's a mood disorder?" Good question. Weirdly, I am at a time in my life where I can say I'm more of an expert on this topic than the average person. Even typing that I hoped I would keep the crippling fear of incompetence locked away with the dust and the fleas in the attic of my subconcious, but even so, it emerges.
Other experts may include professionals in the field of psychology and/or those who also have mood disorders.
The scope of mood disorders ranges from Major Depressive Disorder over to Bipolar I Disorder. I like to think of it as a spectrum, but typically you fall into a little category. There's some nuance here and there. For example, if I started taking my survival snacks aka my Zoloft and I quickly slipped into a state of impulsivity, regular drug use, and regular unprotected sex with strangers, my therapist might think, "Shit, wrong diagnosis. That's a hypomanic episode." And, dear reader, there's nuance even then! Because engaging in that behavior in my past was because I was attempting to keep my very active suicidal ideation at bay. Depressive episode? Hypomanic episode? Manic episode? Mixed episode? Welcome to Mood Disorder City.
I'm very much an open book about a variety of things. Growing up in a household where very little was talked about (and I mean very little of the "heavier things"), I started swinging the other way during my adolescence where I talked about anything and everything and despised virtual small talk/lighthearted conversation. Now I realize there's a place and time for it and I can respect it. But I still lean on the side of honesty and authenticity and directness as a main personality feature of mine. You ask about my issues with my parents? I'll air 'em. You ask about my suicide attempt? I'll tell you. You ask how my exes hurt me? Sure, and I wish them well but I never hope to see it.
My past hurts and sadness is much more manageable now. I'm a full-fledged existentialist and anarchist which feels closer to my true state than anything ever has before. All my fears of being forgotten by people and my abandonment wounds are held in the truth that it doesn't matter. I know I am unforgettable to myself and I have myself and I hold myself tightly, but not too tightly. Because I know the people that see my significance and worth and I have kept them in my life. You all hold my hands when I'm too weak and can't quite get myself together. I have ceased to entertain those who are not kind to me.
There's not much else I wanted to say, other than... I am in Denver! Yes, I am keeping "At The Moonbase" by Slaughter Beach, Dog and "Styrofoam Plates" by Death Cab for Cutie on loops these days. I try to romanticize what I can which is virtually everything about my life. It helps when I take my happy pills ;)
I am in Denver, I'm back to the therapy grind, I'm dating a beautiful Virgo human who I get the privilege to travel to Europe with this summer and really dig my hands into my ancestors' home aka London, England. And I get to return to Paris aka my dream city so I'm very much stoked about that.
I am continuing writing and my book of poetry and prose is coming along slowly. There's some real gems in there, but I'm a perfectionist. Turns out I do write better when I'm not severely depressed.
So Denver pals, come through! I'm back to my local haunts and local venues and local concerts and local breweries and local hiking aka snowshoeing bc tis the season.
Cheers to the abundance of the city and the grittiness of life.
Also listen to this song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jI2naJMy0k
