I was sitting on the floor of my friend's room the other night, watching how she painted gold sparkles onto her fingernails. She continued our conversation with, "Dude, I think the biggest lesson God has brought into your life this year is to just let things be. Sometimes you don't get closure."
I agreed, "It was a lesson I really needed to learn."
She smiled back, "But it is difficult."
I wouldn't disagree with that. I watched as the gold sparkles I had also ended up painting on my fingernails reflected the sun and I thought.
1st Thought: My favorite band has a new album that recently came out called "Kintsugi." Apparently it was inspired by this Japanese concept of repairing and fixing broken pottery with golden lacquer. I'd like to think of this as a metaphor for realizing that something once broken can eventually become whole again and even more beautiful than it was before. Without the trials we go through, we wouldn't be these beautiful individuals we are today. The struggle helps our souls.
2nd Thought: At an FCA meeting during lunch at my school about a month ago, one of our leaders talked about how he knew this guy who frequently prayed for trials, because he knew it would bring him closer to God. I figured I'd try that. I've been praying for trials ever since.
3rd Thought: You might be wondering where the title of this post came from. It came from the book Wild, which is a hella good movie also btw. The main character, Cheryl Strayed hiked the Pacific Crest Trail in an effort to clear her mind. It was a journey of self-discovery. She eventually came to terms with her mother's death and a recent divorce she went through, along with her reckless lifestyle, and the last line of the movie is, "How wild it was, to let it be."
4th Thought: A friend recently showed me the song "Difference Maker" by Needtobreathe.
"Yeah, isn't it amazing how a man can find himself alone
Call into the darkness for an answer that he's never known
Yeah, isn't it amazing how God can take a broken man
Yeah, let him find a fortune, let him ruin it with his own two hands
And he climbs on up the hill on the rock on which he stands
He looks back at the crowd
He looks down at his hands and he says
I am a difference maker
Oh, I am the difference maker
Oh, I am the only one who speaks to him
And I am the friendliest of friends of God"
I believe that these beautiful trials are all connected. All these thoughts have one thread in common: Let things be. And love people. Be the difference. Don't be like the world. Breathe for a sec.
All of these thoughts have to do with self-discovery and realizing you are a whole person on your own. Those cracks inside of you that hurt you can only be truly filled by your true Savior, the person who died knowing you may never love Him back: Jesus.
Let me be brutally honest now: I was in love with this guy for the longest time. It's that same guy I've been writing all my poetry about (wow, I am a dweeb). I'm still in love with him, I won't lie. Or else I wouldn't be genuine with myself. I tried to quietly slip away, but he noticed. We are/were really good friends, and he knew I was getting distant. We got coffee on Easter (his last day in town before he went back to college) and I told him everything I ever wanted to say to him.
"I got distant, because I kept checking up on you and I was breaking my own heart by doing that."
"I can't and I don't want to tell you how to live your life."
"I feel like you can have more than 'The One.' Like, you could marry someone and it would be perfectly fine and you two would be in love, but you aren't meant to be together. Because maybe you're supposed to find someone in college and marry them, because your kids will cure cancer or something. I thought you were 'The One' for a little while there."
"You can't control how you don't feel the same way about me. It's not your fault."
"I think this will be the last time we're this close. Thanks for being my friend. You've taught me a lot. I love you. Maybe we'll see each other in five years or something, and I have a feeling our paths will cross again, but here we are saying goodbye."
We cried. I was a mess, tbh. We hugged. He understood. We prayed. We held hands and for those few moments, our past and our futures without each other fluttered by my eyes and collected in my teardrops and with every tear and every step, I felt more okay. I felt like this was me letting it be.
For all the emotions and love I've had for this guy for the past two years, it was hard to let go. But it is not impossible.
God has a plan. I prayed for trials, and I got them, which bring me closer to God, which is the ultimate goal.
I'm okay with being alone, because I know that doesn't mean I'm lonely. I want to be a difference maker. I want to accept my trials with grace and I want to love people.
I am more sure of this and I am more sure of myself.
As I head off to college, I am learning more and more about who my Savior is and realizing more how all those empty spaces in my heart have been filled with gold due to a God that truly loves me and wants to give me His best plan for my life. I have a kintsugi heart.
I can feel Him say, I love you. It will get better. I have a plan and you are absolutely going to love it.
