Tomorrow I turn 20. I'll set my scene right now. Here I am, typing up a post on a blog I haven't been on in seven months, drinking a strawberry shake, and hoping my freshly pale pink painted nails don't get ruined by me typing away on my laptop. Fingers crossed (metaphorically, obviously because I can't type with crossed fingers). (Okay, sorry, that was lame).
Part of me honestly hates typing on blogs because I feel all cliche and fake. You can't hear my tone of voice or see my facial expressions (which is probably nothing really, for any of you that know me).
Let's get to the serious bits. Who cares about my aesthetic when I have some thoughts to offer you, right? Ha, okay.
So, recently (and "recently" meaning for the past year) God has been teaching me some things. I know some of you reading this are probably not Christians, and by all means, please read on, because I think this is a message anyone can listen to and understand.
How do we let go? Is it noble to let go in relationships? Is it foolish? How do we forgive if we don't want to let go? Are the two intertwined?
I read some quote on Pinterest when I was a senior in high school that read, "You're not growing up if you aren't losing friends." I haven't found closure with very many relationships in my life, but I'm hoping I can find my own closure by writing this out. Growing up has been rough on me. To be completely vulnerable, I haven't had the college experience I wanted. In fact, I don't really like college at all. I preferred high school in many ways, but I realized the root of this problem comes down to the fact that I don't make friends easily. In some situations, I am the quietest hermit. In others, I'm the confident ambivert that people automatically assume has quite a few friends. In actuality, I am a human being that goes to work or school and zones out (a lot) because I start thinking about thoughts like, "Are we all sheep destined to think the same thoughts?" or "Should I try to be nice to these tourists even if I never see them again? Will my kindness even make an impact?" or "How can I impact people on an individual level? I think that's the only way to make change in grand gestures. Start with the individual." But, those are thoughts for another time.
I've lost friends. I've lost romantic interests. I'd describe myself as an introvert, because I definitely have to be alone to "charge up." However, if I'm alone too long, I start feeling sad and bored. So, friendships are highly important to me. But, I am a flawed human being and I have lost friends along the way. And those lost relationships still hurt me to this day when I think about it too long. I have a hard time letting go of relationships (even if they're unhealthy for me), but I also realize there's a point where I have to move on and I won't make an effort to communicate with the other person. And that's the lousy truth and I'm sorry.
1.) How do we let go?
Well, you see I'm still working on this. I've had friends simply start ignoring my texts and I've had people who have legitimately told me they don't want to talk to me again. If you're similar to me, you'll wonder what you did to ruin the relationship. You'll look for flaws in yourself. You'll look for flaws in them. You'll accuse. You'll point fingers. Here's the thing: Relationships are always a two-way street. That goes for the relationship you have with your family, with friends, and with God Himself. Even if you're in a toxic friendship, the blame doesn't completely belong on the other person. This is hard to hear, and something I've had to really think about. We can always be a little kinder, a little more understanding, a little more gentle. I've talked trash about people, I've hurt people, I haven't been as caring and as loving as I've been called to be. I believe the first act of letting go is to humble yourself and understand you were both in the wrong and move on. Honestly, there's been friendships in my life that have impacted my heart in such a way that I can't even listen to songs about "moving on" so to speak. "There is beauty in the way of things" ("There Beneath" - The Oh Hellos) and the beauty in letting go is knowing the memories you have with people will stay with you always. As cliche as this sounds, there is no need to fear.
2) Is it noble to let go in relationships? Is it foolish?
It's neither. It is what it is. Sometimes a relationship has just run its course. Even distance can tear a friendship apart and that's the way it is. This is part of growing up. I've come to realize God is in control of literally everything. Such a simple truth, but so easily taken for granted on my part. If God can literally create mountains and create life and love us unconditionally then don't you think He has a purpose in your pain? I like to think relationships are never completely torn apart, because I know there is a God who can change our hearts. We can learn to love one another again and we can learn to
forgive. If a person chooses to walk away, let them. You don't know what God is doing in their hearts or what He might do in yours. At the same time, love and love and love. We've been called to love, no matter what! It makes me sad to see Facebook wars over political posts and people bashing each other and hurting each other, because this is exactly what we weren't called to do. Love one another. You may not understand one another, but love. I know I'm getting all over the place in this post, but stay with me... I think it's perfectly okay to walk away in a relationship. Foolish? No. Noble? No. Tragic? Sometimes. Hopeful? Well...
3) How do we forgive if we don't want to let go?
I don't want to let go in relationships. In fact, I feel like I carry ghosts of the people I once knew in my heart and at points when I hear a song that reminds me of them or drive by a place where we did that "one thing" that "one time" I hurt all over again. I hurt even when I remember the places I felt alone during my freshman year or even at Kamp or during my sophomore year. I hurt when I realize that I don't have as many friends as I did in high school. I hurt when I realize I don't have many high school friendships anymore. I hurt when I realize I can count all my friends (outside of my family) (but, still, shoutout to my family, you're the real MVPs) on my two hands. It didn't used to be that way. But this is how you forgive the people that made you feel alone, the people that walked away, the people that hurt you: You pray. This is the single, most shining, freeing thing I've learned this year. Pray for those who are your enemies. Pray for those who you are struggling in your relationship with. Pray for the ones who hurt you. These nights I'll find myself mulling over my loneliness, licking my sores, and praying, "God, I really hope these people are having a good night. I hope they grow to know You better and I hope they have a good day tomorrow." We're all in this boat called life and no one deserves to go overboard. We aren't in competition. We're all a big family. And praying for these people has healed me immensely.
4) Are forgiveness and letting go intertwined?
I believe they are. Letting go was a very scary concept for me at first, and now I realize it's very freeing. You can forgive someone and not want a relationship with them again, and I think that's okay. But forgiving a person actually helps with the "letting go" process. After forgiving people, I've realized I can move on and I don't feel bitter for them anymore. If they were to pass me on the street and not say a word, I'd understand. If they were to come into my life a few years down the road and say, "Hannah, I'm sorry. I messed up. I miss your friendship," then I'd apologize too and forgive them all the same. To all my friends who have walked away, I'm here with open arms. I really am. But I won't force you to be my friend, in any sort of way.
You see, God gave us this thing called free will. We can choose to do anything, really. And I'm doing okay. I've learned to forgive. I read a quote once that said, "There are people you haven't met yet who will love you." and when I was depressed during my freshman year this quote pushed me through. I met my boyfriend soon after I read that and he shows me God's love for us each and every day. Ethan tells me I am beautiful every single day and he's never made me feel unloved. He is a human and he is flawed, but I am forever thankful for him. And he forgives me even when I know I'm in the wrong. I think God's love for us is a lot like how I feel when my friends don't want to hang out with me anymore. We as humans walk away from Him
constantly. It is in our very nature, unfortunately. But we have to take heart! We have to cling to what is good! God will always take us in with open arms no matter how far we've strayed. We are perpetually the Prodigal Son always trying to find our way back home and we are also called to try to be more like Christ every single day, so that's what I'm gonna do.
Dear Friends,
I forgive you. You always have a place to stay in my heart and if you are ever to come back into my life, I will be kind and I will love you as I have been called to do.
Can you forgive me? I know I've strayed and I know I've hurt your feelings, but you were made in God's image and I am choosing to love you again.
We can stay on our separate paths and that's okay and I understand! But know you always have a place to stay with me. We can get chai or something and talk about life and struggles. Or maybe you can sit out on my porch with me while I write my next blog post and we can drink strawberry shakes together and cross our fingers that my nail polish doesn't get all over my laptop while I'm typing away.
Praying for you each and every day.
Love always,
Hannah
