July Birthdays
By H.E. Baker
When I was eight, I told my best friend I wasn't afraid of dying and she ran away to the swing set on our elementary school playground and didn't talk to me for a week. It was my fault. I should've run to that swing set with her.
Ten years ago, my favorite album came out and I'm trying to recollect the memories of what it felt like to listen to it for the first time while walking the halls of my middle school. The walls were a butterscotch yellow, but I wouldn't know if they changed. It's been a while. I was eleven.
I've often pondered why some clouds seem to move faster than others and I've often wondered in a melodramatic fashion if anyone will truly want to love me. A yearning to be understood and a yearning to be eternally misunderstood haunts me every day and if that isn't a screaming proclamation that I've never been afraid to die and I never will be... then I don't know what is.
I watched as my best friends held hands with boys at football games and smoked weed with them in the bathrooms while I sat outside and became acquaintances with a boy who had blonde hair and gave me the album Give Up by The Postal Service for my July birthday. First kisses are fated and he melted away into the summer like I expected him to.
I've often pondered what it would be like to grow up in the suburbs. I'd run wild in the summer with sparklers and parties on the Fourth of July. "It's a white trash bash!" I'd watch my friends drink cough syrup and I'd cry to movies and I'd wish I wasn't so emotional.
I wish there weren't any definitions. If someone had to define me, I'd feel like a lab rat. I'd be put in a box and told what to do and society would expect me to dress a certain way. I've had words choked down my throat by the mad scientists who say, "We are accepting of everyone," yet they will subconsciously respect me less and less when our views are clashing. "We are accepting of everyone as long as they agree with us," they say as the knife stabs into my wrist. Pulses are useless, anyway. I've never been afraid to die. The deterioration of age.
I cried at that first football game. I sat by the brick wall and the boy with blonde hair gave me his sweatshirt and it wasn't enough. It was never enough until I convinced myself that I was enough. I was enough. I am enough.
In eighth grade, I joined the girls' basketball team and I sucked and everyone knew it. I imagined myself as a bird and I imagined what the rooftop of the middle school building looked like.
Speaking of which, I've often pondered who is reuniting and who is saying farewell at an airport. I've always loved airports.
Growing up, there were woods surrounding the edges of my house. The woods held too many secrets in my town. My friend once told me that people died in the woods all the time and the town just kept it secret. My dog ran away one too many times and came back with bones. I've heard stories of my friends getting wasted. The stars were in the skies. The stars were in their eyes. As for me, I've always liked forests.
I once had a boy tell me I was a bad kisser. He led me up onto a rooftop downtown one night. We watched the Christmas parade that was held one day after Thanksgiving. The floats floated by and their Christmas lights oozed onto the mountain top we scurried on. We fell on rocks and walked across a wooden beam and were transported into another world once we landed on the rooftop. I watched the parade and I was happy I wasn't one of the many people to be on the ground. It is incredible to see a situation from an entirely different viewpoint. I would tell the mad scientists that, because I've seen what they've seen from their viewpoint. I know a few of them have seen my viewpoint before. It is depressing that we will still never agree.
I remember in the fourth grade playing tag with my friends. I raced across the soccer field, feeling like I was flying. My Chuck Taylors could barely stay on the ground. Joining the track team in middle school was a much better decision than joining the basketball team.
One of my favorite memories is the night where I sat around a living room and watched my friend play punk rock songs on an acoustic guitar. That's where I first had my realization.
I've always pondered why I've felt a strange yearning to live by an ocean, yet I hate swimming pools. I know I am not the only one who feels like this.
What is so incredibly strange to me are the quotes that tell you that every little moment is leading you to a moment that is yet to come. It's weird to me to think about how people are anxiously waiting for a moment where the golden haze of a life that was worth living will envelop them as they look across some destined library and see their future wife for the first time, or how they will cross that finish line at the Olympics realizing they won the gold medal. Then, what?
I used to believe this. I believed it with all my soul.
I sat around a fire pit with a boy once. It was my freshman year of college. We watched an eclipse light up the night sky and I thought about all these things. I thought about how my best friend died and how I wished I could've run to that swing set and told her that as much as I wasn't afraid of death, I was deathly afraid of losing her. I wish I could've grabbed her red hair as we ran through the woods in an effort to not let go.
"I need you so much closer," my favorite band sings as I march perilously on through the hormonal ups and downs of middle school.
I run to my own rhythm. I walk on knowing that there is a reason, there is a precipice of sorts- a precipice that marks the ultimate decay of my life and I never know when that drop-off is coming. I never know when my life will end. I am enough and my personality will forever be incredible and worth loving because I am fearfully and wonderfully made and if you do not believe that about yourself- if you cannot understand that you are an incredible being made of gas and water and fibrous tissue and vertebrae, then you won't ever know. We are forever flexible to the changes of the world. We are forever changed by the changes of the world. We, as a human race, have lived through wars and heartbreak and childbirth and abuse and neglect and terrorism, and yet, here we are.
I still listen to Give Up by The Postal Service.
I can't tell you why I cried at that first football game and I can't tell you why I love oceans so much.
What I do know is this: there is no big moment.
If you're expecting to meet the love of your life in some big way, you won't. If you can't get a grip on what will happen after you get married, then you need to get a better perspective. Look at the bigger picture! Stare a little longer! I will scream this from the top of an auditorium. I remember canary yellow paint under my fingernails after finishing painting a set for my high school's production of Les Miserables. I remember the hearts I've broken and I remember the way he looked at me when he said, "You're like a sister to me."
There is no big moment.
There is no big moment.
There is no big moment.
Life is a collection of freaking insignificant, yet beautiful moments and in this way they are all noteworthy. They are all worthy of attention. They are all remarkable. Do you ever get a thought every once in a while in a captivating moment where the sun melts through the window as your best friend paints her nails black or where your friend is playing blink-182 on his acoustic guitar at 4AM or where you wake up in a tent surrounded by the people you love as you eat marshmallows for breakfast? Have you ever seen the forest at 7AM? Have you ever watched people reunite in an airport? Have you ever noticed how beautiful it is to be alone? Have you ever thought, "I want to freeze this moment and never experience life after this." I'd be content to die in moments like that. Life is a series of these moments. It's not all leading up to one, big moment.
"But I'm thinking of what Sarah said: that love is watching someone die. So who's gonna watch you die?" That's what my favorite band sings.
When I was eight, I told my best friend I wasn't afraid of dying. The leukemia stole her body when we were ten and I feel that the collection of moments listed are some of the most beautiful things to happen to me. If I ran to that swing set with her, I could've apologized for what I said, but it wouldn't have been true. I will forever feel that lump in my throat that begs me to shout, "Stay," but for whatever reason, I shout into the void, I shout into the person who I have become, I shout to the memory of my friend running to the swing set and I say, "Don't you dare let this pass. Don't let it pass."
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Saturday, September 12, 2015
i'm not even nostalgic anymore
The two strangest theories about growing up are the facts that: a) people you thought were your friends in high school aren't actually your friends for the long run and b) you're actually just kind of living in the moment. there are dreams past the present moment, but they aren't the reality, and in order to truly live you have to keep your mind in the present.
Let's take a closer look at these two bizarre concepts:
There were a few people who told me, "The friends you'll make in college are the friends you'll have for life." And of course, I didn't truly feel this, until recently. It only made sense for me to think about all my friends back home and stay in contact with them, because I love them so much. I had a ton of fun back in high school, and although I wouldn't ever go back to that time in my life, I do love to remember the memories. This is the reality: it's been a month into college for me, and I've talked to two of my friends from high school on a regular basis. Only two of them. They are the two I expected to talk to the most, but honestly, I felt like I had a few more friends back in high school. In fact, I've checked up on some people who I talked to fairly regularly and actually talked to normally in high school and realized they've defriended me on Facebook or stopped following me on Instagram or whatever and I've thought about how our world is so social-media related and how absolutely disgusting it is. I've also thought about how our lives are going in such different directions and although I feel a little bit like, "Oh. I wonder why they defriended me," I'm not sad, overall. I feel okay. Everyday I feel more and more like John Brown University is my home. I am reminded of God's presence in my life constantly. I feel so loved and cared for compared to the times I felt so judged and shunned back in Estes Park. And thinking about it, I totally felt so lonely in high school. There are so many people here who share the same views as me and the same mindset and it is so, so comforting to me. I wouldn't have it any other way. God's plan for my life is incredible. And I know I'll be friends with the two girls from high school for a very, very long time. I love them. And now I know that I'll find some really awesome people to be friends with here, too.
The scariest and most soothing realization I've had yet is the fact that I don't know what is after this. I've always considered myself a future-oriented person, but I came to realize that the majority of my daydreams about the future stopped at college. In elementary school, I thought about middle school. And in middle school, I thought about high school and football games and my first kiss and all that. And in high school, I thought about meeting new people in college and finding my soulmate and studying psychology. And now I'm here and I don't know what is after this. It's so weird for me. After I graduate, I virtually don't know what to think about. I don't know what will happen to me. It's all up in the air. Will I go to graduate school? Will I get married? Will I move out of the country? Will I move to NYC? Will I move back to Colorado? I don't know. I'm kind of just living for the day because that's all I know what to do . I work on homework, I socialize with my friends here and I see what the day has to offer me. I live in the moment. And it is so refreshing. I don't know why I didn't do this before. I am so much happier. I'm on this wild ride and I'm seeing what God has in store for me and I'm trusting Him and discovering more about who I am and who He has called me to be and I'm living life and it rocks. I want to learn from the past, live in the moment, and occasionally dream about the future. Reality is such an awesome place to be.
So, there's a little check up about my life. And here I am peacing out for now. See ya sometime, Prone to Wander Endlessly.
Let's take a closer look at these two bizarre concepts:
There were a few people who told me, "The friends you'll make in college are the friends you'll have for life." And of course, I didn't truly feel this, until recently. It only made sense for me to think about all my friends back home and stay in contact with them, because I love them so much. I had a ton of fun back in high school, and although I wouldn't ever go back to that time in my life, I do love to remember the memories. This is the reality: it's been a month into college for me, and I've talked to two of my friends from high school on a regular basis. Only two of them. They are the two I expected to talk to the most, but honestly, I felt like I had a few more friends back in high school. In fact, I've checked up on some people who I talked to fairly regularly and actually talked to normally in high school and realized they've defriended me on Facebook or stopped following me on Instagram or whatever and I've thought about how our world is so social-media related and how absolutely disgusting it is. I've also thought about how our lives are going in such different directions and although I feel a little bit like, "Oh. I wonder why they defriended me," I'm not sad, overall. I feel okay. Everyday I feel more and more like John Brown University is my home. I am reminded of God's presence in my life constantly. I feel so loved and cared for compared to the times I felt so judged and shunned back in Estes Park. And thinking about it, I totally felt so lonely in high school. There are so many people here who share the same views as me and the same mindset and it is so, so comforting to me. I wouldn't have it any other way. God's plan for my life is incredible. And I know I'll be friends with the two girls from high school for a very, very long time. I love them. And now I know that I'll find some really awesome people to be friends with here, too.
The scariest and most soothing realization I've had yet is the fact that I don't know what is after this. I've always considered myself a future-oriented person, but I came to realize that the majority of my daydreams about the future stopped at college. In elementary school, I thought about middle school. And in middle school, I thought about high school and football games and my first kiss and all that. And in high school, I thought about meeting new people in college and finding my soulmate and studying psychology. And now I'm here and I don't know what is after this. It's so weird for me. After I graduate, I virtually don't know what to think about. I don't know what will happen to me. It's all up in the air. Will I go to graduate school? Will I get married? Will I move out of the country? Will I move to NYC? Will I move back to Colorado? I don't know. I'm kind of just living for the day because that's all I know what to do . I work on homework, I socialize with my friends here and I see what the day has to offer me. I live in the moment. And it is so refreshing. I don't know why I didn't do this before. I am so much happier. I'm on this wild ride and I'm seeing what God has in store for me and I'm trusting Him and discovering more about who I am and who He has called me to be and I'm living life and it rocks. I want to learn from the past, live in the moment, and occasionally dream about the future. Reality is such an awesome place to be.
So, there's a little check up about my life. And here I am peacing out for now. See ya sometime, Prone to Wander Endlessly.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Sun-Kissed Kids
Sun-Kissed Kids
By H .E. Baker
if we spun round and round like wondrous caricature horses on carousels,
i'd cry.
the stars in your eyes would shoot up like fireworks and i'd stare at the curve of your upper lip,
your teeth. your hands. your ears.
who are you? who are you?
why must this carousel bring me nowhere if only to let me fall, fall, fall down into a fluorescent wave of neon colors. they crash and they light up and they kiss my face only to remind me of you.
if we decided to trek out into the dangerous mountaintops, we'd be the unusual mixture of scaly lizards and sun-kissed kids. "this is my scar from that rock." "i am king of the wild things."
i want your peace like an ocean, i want to feel your waves crash against my neck. i want, i want, i want.
who are you? who are you?
if this were a song, i'd want to let you know how much i tried to get this to rhyme, but wow, my mind wasn't made for this. emotions.
if we held each other for an infinite amount of time on a cliff only to overlook the water below us,
i'd let myself fall before you.
would you push me? would you push me?
would my skin peel off in the scorching wind rushing past my body as you stare at me and say, "oh, i'm sorry."?
you're ridiculous, you human being full of pain and beauty and destruction and loveliness.
if i saw you in my room (you're pale and alluring and intimate and free),
i'd say, "hello, old friend. be on your way."
reality is such a beautiful place to live in.
By H .E. Baker
if we spun round and round like wondrous caricature horses on carousels,
i'd cry.
the stars in your eyes would shoot up like fireworks and i'd stare at the curve of your upper lip,
your teeth. your hands. your ears.
who are you? who are you?
why must this carousel bring me nowhere if only to let me fall, fall, fall down into a fluorescent wave of neon colors. they crash and they light up and they kiss my face only to remind me of you.
if we decided to trek out into the dangerous mountaintops, we'd be the unusual mixture of scaly lizards and sun-kissed kids. "this is my scar from that rock." "i am king of the wild things."
i want your peace like an ocean, i want to feel your waves crash against my neck. i want, i want, i want.
who are you? who are you?
if this were a song, i'd want to let you know how much i tried to get this to rhyme, but wow, my mind wasn't made for this. emotions.
if we held each other for an infinite amount of time on a cliff only to overlook the water below us,
i'd let myself fall before you.
would you push me? would you push me?
would my skin peel off in the scorching wind rushing past my body as you stare at me and say, "oh, i'm sorry."?
you're ridiculous, you human being full of pain and beauty and destruction and loveliness.
if i saw you in my room (you're pale and alluring and intimate and free),
i'd say, "hello, old friend. be on your way."
reality is such a beautiful place to live in.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
To Be Surprised
Well, here I am. This is the last night I'll be in this strange, beautiful town of Estes Park, CO, before I head off to new adventures in Arkansas. It's kinda surreal, to be honest. I still feel like I'm not leaving. Where did the time go?? A year ago I was 11, a week ago I was 14, and well, here I am. HERE I AM.
If I had the ability to actually narrow down what my many youthful years here in this mountain town has taught me, I would do it. But, I don't think I can. I feel oddly more calm going into my freshman year of college than I was going into my freshman year of high school.
I'm gonna go through a list. It's going to be a list of stories, of wisdom and of growth, all told tonight because there is no way on Earth I am actually going to get sleep tonight. This is more of a hopeful love letter to my future life and hopefully a reassurance to myself as well as the others who may read this.
1) You are not in control. You will never be in control.
It's true, your choices are your choices. But depending on what choices you make, the circumstances and the consequences of your choice may not be up to you. MAKE WISE CHOICES. However, you can't control whether or not a family member dies or your friend doesn't talk to you anymore or a breakup. You won't always get what you want. As much as you would like something to happen, you don't have the ability to make people believe something they don't want to believe and you don't have the ability to completely control other people. You cannot save people. Let me repeat that. You cannot save people. You are a probably a 5-6 foot tall being made of flesh and mostly water with a beating heart and a working brain and you cannot save other people. You aren't anyone's savior. You own no person and no person owns you. When I was little, I played a game called "Cats and Dogs" with my sister. My sister would have her own stuffed animals she'd play with and I'd have mine. However, when I was young, I suffered from a severe case of Oldest Child Syndrome and was basically a complete dictator/control freak. It was awesome. So, when my sister and I played this game, with a whole bunch of stuffed cats and dogs we owned, I'd oftentimes manipulate the situation so I'd ultimately get to play with all my stuffed animals and also a few of Lucy's. And I'd rename hers. And I'd make them get into relationships with my animals and I'd make them go do fun stuff that adults do (like going to the bar, for example, no joke. I don't know why my parents weren't ever worried about me.) and I'd give them "real" jobs like working in a hospital, for example. This was my life. But the fact that I'd steal all of what I wanted from Lucy and I even was under the illusion that I renamed all her animals and I even got them all tied into emotional, social connections with all the other cats and dogs, it still wasn't what Lucy truly thought. Her thoughts were her thoughts and my thoughts were my thoughts. All we have are our human bodies and that's that. As much as we try, we cannot make another person think exactly how we want them to think. That would honestly be kinda boring.
2) The past is in the freaking past.
Should we look back so we can remember great life lessons that will help us with our present/future selves? Answer: Yeah, duh, or else I wouldn't be writing this post.
Should we live in the past so much we become completely nostalgic? Answer: Who are you?? Of course not.
I've had some many fantastic, wonderful memories. Probably half of those memories are with people I don't talk to anymore. Once upon a time, I tried to get back together and get connections with people who really didn't care to be super great friends with me anymore. I got so concerned that I was doing something wrong, that I didn't stop and look around and live in the present moment with the people who were present in my life who were actually loving me. The memories are beautiful and keep them forever. But Jay Gatsby was totally wrong when he told Nick, "Can't repeat the past? Why, of course you can, old sport!"
Yeah, he was way wrong.
3) There is ALWAYS hope.
When I was a freshman in high school, I had the hugest crush on a sophomore. I knew he liked me and right when I was starting to like him back and was hoping our friendship would develop into something more, he started dating one of my friends. My heart was CRUSHED. I thought to myself, "This is it. It's the end of the world. I'm 14 and I will never love another guy the way I love this guy."
Haha.
I went home the day he told me he was interested in my friend and it was just me and my dad and my sister Lucy at my house. My mom was in a different state and I didn't feel like pouring my heart out to my dad or my 11 year old sister. So, I distinctly remember sitting on the couch that Friday night feeling like I would never recover from my melancholy, until my dad said, "Hey, guess what I picked up at the Redbox? Soul Surfer!" Immediately, my teenage heart felt lighter because I had wanted to see that movie for a year. "Oh my gosh," I said. "I've wanted to see that movie forever."
It's still one of my favorite movies. But it really just made me feel so much better. I remember the scene where Bethany asks, "How can this be God's plan for me??" and I just thought in my wild, 14 year old mind, "PREACH, SISTER, PREACH." And at the beginning when Carrie Underwood's character says the Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11 (it's still one of my favorites) and then at the very end where the line that comes up says "The end is just the beginning." made me almost cry.
I made the decision to actually get together a year later with this same guy who shattered my heart into a million pieces, and this is where I'd like to say I learned from my mistake and also see #2.
But at the end of my sophomore year, this guy and I mutually broke up and I felt absolutely FREE. I was listening to the song "The Unknown" by Athlete on repeat (it's also the ending song in Soul Surfer heh heh) and I just felt so inspired. I went to Guatemala for a missions trip that summer and it was incredible. I knew that there was so much hope when it came to love and finding someone and being by yourself... there's just hope. There's hope in the heartbreak.
4) Sometimes, you just aren't going to get closure aka LET IT BE.
Once upon a time, this past year, one of my friends started to like me as more than a friend. I felt kinda bad, because he is a super nice guy, but I just did not feel the same way. Random reminder: just because someone says, "Oh, I'm not attracted to you like that." doesn't mean "You aren't an attractive person."
Anyways, I didn't know he liked me like that and I kind of led him on (unbeknownst to me) and we went to a dance together and when I randomly brought up how I liked how we were friends and I wouldn't want a relationship (this just actually happened in a random conversation), it kind of broke his heart. At least, that's the simplified story. We don't talk anymore, but my feelings of guilt haunted me for days. *shiver* I wanted him to be okay! I wanted to fix the issue!
I kept on asking him if he wanted to talk or if he wanted closure, but he'd say no or he wouldn't respond. Finally, I made a wild, uncharacteristic decision. That decision was to actually just let it be and MOVE ON. I wouldn't get closure and I'll probably never know how he was truly feeling.
And you know what? I'm doing okay, and I'm sure he's doing okay, too. We're all just floating on this wave of life.
5) Unrequited love is actually a very beautiful thing.
Nearly everyone has really liked someone who will never like them back. This beautiful, haunting feeling surrounded me for half of high school with the guy who I've mentioned in probably half these posts. Haha here's another shout out to him! He was/is one of my favorite people and such a friendly, inspiring person and I fell head over heels for him after I realized what a great idea it would be to date one of my best guy friends.
Well, he never felt the same way. In fact, I'm 100% certain I am indeed "friendzoned." And I'm 100% alright with just being friends with him for the rest of my life. It took me long enough to get here, though.
What they'll tell you is that unrequited love is an obsession. What they'll tell you is that unrequited love is pointless. What they'll tell you is that unrequited love is flat out depressing.
This is what they forget to mention: It's selfless loving someone who may not ever love you back like that. It's not pointless. You're going to love a person for as long as you love them. It's hard to just stop loving someone just like that. And last, but not least, it is BRAVE to love someone who doesn't love you back. If you profess your feelings and they don't feel the same and you keep on loving them, that's brave. If you keep on treating them as more than a friend, and they always treat you a little less than that, it's brave of you to keep doing that. You are treating another human being so well. No matter what, I can guarantee you, that your unrequited love will not go ignored.
But then, there comes a point where you'll move on. See #4.
6) Take chances. (It's really fun.)
Yes, just go on and kiss that person you love and go ahead and dance through the sprinklers even though you're "too old for that" and go on and hug someone and go on and tell someone you admire them greatly and tell someone you love them and tell them you'll miss them and compliment a stranger and do something you never thought you would do and go ahead and cry randomly and go ahead and get angry and feel your emotions bubble up inside you and go ahead and LIVE. LIVE. LIVE. LIVE.
Well, here I am. This past week, I've been saying a ton of goodbyes and packing up my room and getting prepared to go live with a bunch of strangers in a different state.
And I've thought a lot about what song I'll listen to and forever think about me going into this new chapter of my life.
I've thought a lot, trust me.
And then it hit me when I was listening to it in my car going down to Boulder with one of my best friends.
It's a little song called "To Be Surprised" by Sondre Lerche.
You know what, I'm gonna change what I said in the beginning.
If there is ONE thing I know, if there is ONE thing these years in Estes Park have taught it's to be prepared to be surprised.
You never know what's coming.
So, take chances and be prepared to be surprised.
So, fall in love with your best friend and be prepared to be surprised.
So, let it be and be prepared to be surprised.
So, keep on keeping the hope and be prepared to be surprised.
So, don't dwell in the past and actually live in the now and be prepared to be surprised.
And know you aren't in control, so be prepared to be surprised.
To be surprised.
If I had the ability to actually narrow down what my many youthful years here in this mountain town has taught me, I would do it. But, I don't think I can. I feel oddly more calm going into my freshman year of college than I was going into my freshman year of high school.
I'm gonna go through a list. It's going to be a list of stories, of wisdom and of growth, all told tonight because there is no way on Earth I am actually going to get sleep tonight. This is more of a hopeful love letter to my future life and hopefully a reassurance to myself as well as the others who may read this.
1) You are not in control. You will never be in control.
It's true, your choices are your choices. But depending on what choices you make, the circumstances and the consequences of your choice may not be up to you. MAKE WISE CHOICES. However, you can't control whether or not a family member dies or your friend doesn't talk to you anymore or a breakup. You won't always get what you want. As much as you would like something to happen, you don't have the ability to make people believe something they don't want to believe and you don't have the ability to completely control other people. You cannot save people. Let me repeat that. You cannot save people. You are a probably a 5-6 foot tall being made of flesh and mostly water with a beating heart and a working brain and you cannot save other people. You aren't anyone's savior. You own no person and no person owns you. When I was little, I played a game called "Cats and Dogs" with my sister. My sister would have her own stuffed animals she'd play with and I'd have mine. However, when I was young, I suffered from a severe case of Oldest Child Syndrome and was basically a complete dictator/control freak. It was awesome. So, when my sister and I played this game, with a whole bunch of stuffed cats and dogs we owned, I'd oftentimes manipulate the situation so I'd ultimately get to play with all my stuffed animals and also a few of Lucy's. And I'd rename hers. And I'd make them get into relationships with my animals and I'd make them go do fun stuff that adults do (like going to the bar, for example, no joke. I don't know why my parents weren't ever worried about me.) and I'd give them "real" jobs like working in a hospital, for example. This was my life. But the fact that I'd steal all of what I wanted from Lucy and I even was under the illusion that I renamed all her animals and I even got them all tied into emotional, social connections with all the other cats and dogs, it still wasn't what Lucy truly thought. Her thoughts were her thoughts and my thoughts were my thoughts. All we have are our human bodies and that's that. As much as we try, we cannot make another person think exactly how we want them to think. That would honestly be kinda boring.
2) The past is in the freaking past.
Should we look back so we can remember great life lessons that will help us with our present/future selves? Answer: Yeah, duh, or else I wouldn't be writing this post.
Should we live in the past so much we become completely nostalgic? Answer: Who are you?? Of course not.
I've had some many fantastic, wonderful memories. Probably half of those memories are with people I don't talk to anymore. Once upon a time, I tried to get back together and get connections with people who really didn't care to be super great friends with me anymore. I got so concerned that I was doing something wrong, that I didn't stop and look around and live in the present moment with the people who were present in my life who were actually loving me. The memories are beautiful and keep them forever. But Jay Gatsby was totally wrong when he told Nick, "Can't repeat the past? Why, of course you can, old sport!"
Yeah, he was way wrong.
3) There is ALWAYS hope.
When I was a freshman in high school, I had the hugest crush on a sophomore. I knew he liked me and right when I was starting to like him back and was hoping our friendship would develop into something more, he started dating one of my friends. My heart was CRUSHED. I thought to myself, "This is it. It's the end of the world. I'm 14 and I will never love another guy the way I love this guy."
Haha.
I went home the day he told me he was interested in my friend and it was just me and my dad and my sister Lucy at my house. My mom was in a different state and I didn't feel like pouring my heart out to my dad or my 11 year old sister. So, I distinctly remember sitting on the couch that Friday night feeling like I would never recover from my melancholy, until my dad said, "Hey, guess what I picked up at the Redbox? Soul Surfer!" Immediately, my teenage heart felt lighter because I had wanted to see that movie for a year. "Oh my gosh," I said. "I've wanted to see that movie forever."
It's still one of my favorite movies. But it really just made me feel so much better. I remember the scene where Bethany asks, "How can this be God's plan for me??" and I just thought in my wild, 14 year old mind, "PREACH, SISTER, PREACH." And at the beginning when Carrie Underwood's character says the Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11 (it's still one of my favorites) and then at the very end where the line that comes up says "The end is just the beginning." made me almost cry.
I made the decision to actually get together a year later with this same guy who shattered my heart into a million pieces, and this is where I'd like to say I learned from my mistake and also see #2.
But at the end of my sophomore year, this guy and I mutually broke up and I felt absolutely FREE. I was listening to the song "The Unknown" by Athlete on repeat (it's also the ending song in Soul Surfer heh heh) and I just felt so inspired. I went to Guatemala for a missions trip that summer and it was incredible. I knew that there was so much hope when it came to love and finding someone and being by yourself... there's just hope. There's hope in the heartbreak.
4) Sometimes, you just aren't going to get closure aka LET IT BE.
Once upon a time, this past year, one of my friends started to like me as more than a friend. I felt kinda bad, because he is a super nice guy, but I just did not feel the same way. Random reminder: just because someone says, "Oh, I'm not attracted to you like that." doesn't mean "You aren't an attractive person."
Anyways, I didn't know he liked me like that and I kind of led him on (unbeknownst to me) and we went to a dance together and when I randomly brought up how I liked how we were friends and I wouldn't want a relationship (this just actually happened in a random conversation), it kind of broke his heart. At least, that's the simplified story. We don't talk anymore, but my feelings of guilt haunted me for days. *shiver* I wanted him to be okay! I wanted to fix the issue!
I kept on asking him if he wanted to talk or if he wanted closure, but he'd say no or he wouldn't respond. Finally, I made a wild, uncharacteristic decision. That decision was to actually just let it be and MOVE ON. I wouldn't get closure and I'll probably never know how he was truly feeling.
And you know what? I'm doing okay, and I'm sure he's doing okay, too. We're all just floating on this wave of life.
5) Unrequited love is actually a very beautiful thing.
Nearly everyone has really liked someone who will never like them back. This beautiful, haunting feeling surrounded me for half of high school with the guy who I've mentioned in probably half these posts. Haha here's another shout out to him! He was/is one of my favorite people and such a friendly, inspiring person and I fell head over heels for him after I realized what a great idea it would be to date one of my best guy friends.
Well, he never felt the same way. In fact, I'm 100% certain I am indeed "friendzoned." And I'm 100% alright with just being friends with him for the rest of my life. It took me long enough to get here, though.
What they'll tell you is that unrequited love is an obsession. What they'll tell you is that unrequited love is pointless. What they'll tell you is that unrequited love is flat out depressing.
This is what they forget to mention: It's selfless loving someone who may not ever love you back like that. It's not pointless. You're going to love a person for as long as you love them. It's hard to just stop loving someone just like that. And last, but not least, it is BRAVE to love someone who doesn't love you back. If you profess your feelings and they don't feel the same and you keep on loving them, that's brave. If you keep on treating them as more than a friend, and they always treat you a little less than that, it's brave of you to keep doing that. You are treating another human being so well. No matter what, I can guarantee you, that your unrequited love will not go ignored.
But then, there comes a point where you'll move on. See #4.
6) Take chances. (It's really fun.)
Yes, just go on and kiss that person you love and go ahead and dance through the sprinklers even though you're "too old for that" and go on and hug someone and go on and tell someone you admire them greatly and tell someone you love them and tell them you'll miss them and compliment a stranger and do something you never thought you would do and go ahead and cry randomly and go ahead and get angry and feel your emotions bubble up inside you and go ahead and LIVE. LIVE. LIVE. LIVE.
Well, here I am. This past week, I've been saying a ton of goodbyes and packing up my room and getting prepared to go live with a bunch of strangers in a different state.
And I've thought a lot about what song I'll listen to and forever think about me going into this new chapter of my life.
I've thought a lot, trust me.
And then it hit me when I was listening to it in my car going down to Boulder with one of my best friends.
It's a little song called "To Be Surprised" by Sondre Lerche.
You know what, I'm gonna change what I said in the beginning.
If there is ONE thing I know, if there is ONE thing these years in Estes Park have taught it's to be prepared to be surprised.
You never know what's coming.
So, take chances and be prepared to be surprised.
So, fall in love with your best friend and be prepared to be surprised.
So, let it be and be prepared to be surprised.
So, keep on keeping the hope and be prepared to be surprised.
So, don't dwell in the past and actually live in the now and be prepared to be surprised.
And know you aren't in control, so be prepared to be surprised.
To be surprised.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Until We Get There
The title of this post is named after a Lucius song that I discovered today while watching a super good New Girl episode. I was actually going to go stargazing tonight with me, myself and I, but moments of inspiration strike at sometimes the most inconvenient moments, so I am staying here and writing this post.
Today is July 16th and I am officially and finally an adult since yesterday. Go me.
But if we're being honest here, my fear of growing up is in full swing right now. I feel my heart drop every time I think about living by myself and potentially getting married and having kids and I don't want to waste my life away. (Not that that is wasting your life away at all! It will happen to me. I feel it.) But, on this awkward journey of self discovery that I've been on since the ripe age of six and a half years old, I've realized I am deathly afraid of completely committing myself to one thing. I don't want to be in a relationship even though I've told myself to keep on the lookout for my soulmate (Do I really want that?) and I'm kinda afraid to go off to college and get a major and just get a job (So fun, so fun.) and I honestly just wanna listen to Blink-182 and go back to last night where I was at my favorite band's concert at Red Rocks ON MY BIRTHDAY and listen to my favorite song "Soul Meets Body" on repeat until my emotions are completely numb. I fantasize more about falling into a trance with the smell of booze and people surrounding me, listening to depressing indie rock tunes, rather than actually marrying some guy and living in some house somewhere in America probably.
I don't even know what has changed.
And I feel a little weird because life is happening all so fast and I just kind of want it to all slow down. I honestly feel like I have two friends in this small town outside of my own family and while that is totally fine, it does get a little lonely. Even as a self-described introvert, I really enjoying making connections with a wide variety of people. But I am so freaking insignificant. While I was listening to the beautiful, melancholy lyrics of "No Room In Frame" by Death Cab,
"Was I in your way
When the cameras turned to face you?
No room in frame
For two
How can I stay
In the sun
When the rain flows all through my veins
It's true
And I guess it's not a failure we could help
And we'll both go on and get lonely with someone else",
I thought to myself, I am surrounded by a million gazillion people and we're all stupidly just thinking about ourselves. I don't honestly believe we will every meet or be a selfless person. We are all inherently selfish and thinking of ourselves, ultimately. If we think we're being genuinely selfless, purely selfless, we're cheating ourselves. At least, this is how I see it.
"Let me help you and let me ask you about yourself, because I know by being nice to you, I'll feel better about myself."
"If you're nice to the other person being mean to you, you'll have the upper hand."
LOL. With this in mind, we should all try to be nicer people though. I mean, I challenge you to try to do that. If we all looked at ourselves instead of pointing fingers and all looked at our own nasty sin we carry around, I bet we'd all be a lot nicer.
I know that I am one person, and I know not everyone will read this, and I know even the people I care about the most will probably not read this and I know there will be some people I've never even talked to before who will read this, but if my writing could ever just help one person, then I would feel satisfied.
It's kinda hypocritical that I'm saying that, because I just ranted about how self-centered we are, and I know that I'm super self-centered myself, but... I know that one random little act of kindness can go a long way.
So whether I find myself in New York City in a rad, little loft, or France on some crazy trip for my job, or in my beloved future beach house on the West Coast of the USA, I hope I learn to be a little more selfless. Genuinely. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I've discovered I'm only afraid because I've only always been worried about my own problems.
"But what if I waste my life away?"
"But what if I don't end up where I want to be?"
"What if I find out my friends don't actually love me as much as I love them?"
Well, that's life.
What a crazy concept- to love another person as much as you love yourself.
Today is July 16th and I am officially and finally an adult since yesterday. Go me.
But if we're being honest here, my fear of growing up is in full swing right now. I feel my heart drop every time I think about living by myself and potentially getting married and having kids and I don't want to waste my life away. (Not that that is wasting your life away at all! It will happen to me. I feel it.) But, on this awkward journey of self discovery that I've been on since the ripe age of six and a half years old, I've realized I am deathly afraid of completely committing myself to one thing. I don't want to be in a relationship even though I've told myself to keep on the lookout for my soulmate (Do I really want that?) and I'm kinda afraid to go off to college and get a major and just get a job (So fun, so fun.) and I honestly just wanna listen to Blink-182 and go back to last night where I was at my favorite band's concert at Red Rocks ON MY BIRTHDAY and listen to my favorite song "Soul Meets Body" on repeat until my emotions are completely numb. I fantasize more about falling into a trance with the smell of booze and people surrounding me, listening to depressing indie rock tunes, rather than actually marrying some guy and living in some house somewhere in America probably.
I don't even know what has changed.
And I feel a little weird because life is happening all so fast and I just kind of want it to all slow down. I honestly feel like I have two friends in this small town outside of my own family and while that is totally fine, it does get a little lonely. Even as a self-described introvert, I really enjoying making connections with a wide variety of people. But I am so freaking insignificant. While I was listening to the beautiful, melancholy lyrics of "No Room In Frame" by Death Cab,
"Was I in your way
When the cameras turned to face you?
No room in frame
For two
How can I stay
In the sun
When the rain flows all through my veins
It's true
And I guess it's not a failure we could help
And we'll both go on and get lonely with someone else",
I thought to myself, I am surrounded by a million gazillion people and we're all stupidly just thinking about ourselves. I don't honestly believe we will every meet or be a selfless person. We are all inherently selfish and thinking of ourselves, ultimately. If we think we're being genuinely selfless, purely selfless, we're cheating ourselves. At least, this is how I see it.
"Let me help you and let me ask you about yourself, because I know by being nice to you, I'll feel better about myself."
"If you're nice to the other person being mean to you, you'll have the upper hand."
LOL. With this in mind, we should all try to be nicer people though. I mean, I challenge you to try to do that. If we all looked at ourselves instead of pointing fingers and all looked at our own nasty sin we carry around, I bet we'd all be a lot nicer.
I know that I am one person, and I know not everyone will read this, and I know even the people I care about the most will probably not read this and I know there will be some people I've never even talked to before who will read this, but if my writing could ever just help one person, then I would feel satisfied.
It's kinda hypocritical that I'm saying that, because I just ranted about how self-centered we are, and I know that I'm super self-centered myself, but... I know that one random little act of kindness can go a long way.
So whether I find myself in New York City in a rad, little loft, or France on some crazy trip for my job, or in my beloved future beach house on the West Coast of the USA, I hope I learn to be a little more selfless. Genuinely. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I've discovered I'm only afraid because I've only always been worried about my own problems.
"But what if I waste my life away?"
"But what if I don't end up where I want to be?"
"What if I find out my friends don't actually love me as much as I love them?"
Well, that's life.
What a crazy concept- to love another person as much as you love yourself.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Running To Stand Still
Alright, so, I'm gonna start off by stating that I didn't know what to name this post, so I'm naming it after my current favorite song on U2's The Joshua Tree.
Okay, so I'm gonna jump right into the issue. So, by now, you all should have figured out that the United States made the decision to legalize gay marriage across all 50 states. And before you start getting the instant thoughts of either, "Wooohoooo!! *insert rainbow hearts*" or "Good one, America. You're really going downhill." or whatever else your opinion might be, hear me out, please.
I'm sick and tired of everyone freaking judging everyone else. I'M SO DONE WITH ALL OF IT. I know for a fact that this Earth will never know complete peace. Even if you personally feel that society is going uphill, the reality is that we've been on a constant downhill forever. I know that sounds super pessimistic, but what I'm trying to say is that we should all really try to get along before we're all dead (you can see allll my previous posts about loving others before we're dead, because every moment is precious).
I'd also like to point out that I love you. I know I may not personally know you, but whoever you are, you'll genuinely have a friend in me. I don't care if you're addicted to drugs or you're gay or straight or an atheist or whatever. I don't care!! I love talking to everyone and I'd love to talk to you. I am by no means judging you, because I don't believe it's my place to judge. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, because you've got to figure that out for yourself. You are made up of your choices. And I'm still here for you :)
Scrolling through Facebook, I've noticed arguments breaking out between all sorts of sides about this gay marriage argument. I haven't argued at all (I genuinely haven't), but it makes me sad to see people arguing so much. I think it's totally okay for everyone to state their opinion, whatever that may be. If you believe the Bible to be the truth, and you disagree with all this, great! Make sure to love on others who disagree with you and don't hate on them whatsoever. Try not to act disgusted over someone's lifestyle. They're loved just as much as you by the same God who loves you. If you believe gay marriage is a great thing, great! Before you point fingers and call people bigots/homophobic for disagreeing with you, make sure you're being tolerant of their opinions. Practice what you preach. If you say you're so nonjudgmental of people, then act that way!!
I'm sure you may have figured out what I take on all this and where I stand in my views, but I know personally, I am a sinner and I sin every day. (There is a reason my blog is called "Prone To Wander Endlessly". I'm prone to leaving and wandering away from my true Father and I'm forever thankful for His love and grace.) I honestly know I'd be in a very dark place if it weren't for Him and I don't even know if I'd actually be alive right now if I didn't know God. And I KNOW that the Bible is the ultimate truth and every word the Bible says shouldn't be adjusted to suit your personal lifestyle. Messing with the Bible doesn't make any sense, tbh. Don't do that.
I'd also like to point out that disagreeing with someone doesn't mean you hate them. I wouldn't agree with so and so's cocaine addiction, but that definitely doesn't mean I hate them or I see them as less of a person than me. Then again, if you apply that to this argument concerning gay marriage, it all comes down to if you see being gay as something you're born as or if it's a choice you make later in life.
I'd like to conclude this with two thoughts: speak the truth even if your voice shakes & don't forget to truly, truly, truly love others, and even if it seems no one else does, God will always love you, sin and all.
Okay, so I'm gonna jump right into the issue. So, by now, you all should have figured out that the United States made the decision to legalize gay marriage across all 50 states. And before you start getting the instant thoughts of either, "Wooohoooo!! *insert rainbow hearts*" or "Good one, America. You're really going downhill." or whatever else your opinion might be, hear me out, please.
I'm sick and tired of everyone freaking judging everyone else. I'M SO DONE WITH ALL OF IT. I know for a fact that this Earth will never know complete peace. Even if you personally feel that society is going uphill, the reality is that we've been on a constant downhill forever. I know that sounds super pessimistic, but what I'm trying to say is that we should all really try to get along before we're all dead (you can see allll my previous posts about loving others before we're dead, because every moment is precious).
I'd also like to point out that I love you. I know I may not personally know you, but whoever you are, you'll genuinely have a friend in me. I don't care if you're addicted to drugs or you're gay or straight or an atheist or whatever. I don't care!! I love talking to everyone and I'd love to talk to you. I am by no means judging you, because I don't believe it's my place to judge. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, because you've got to figure that out for yourself. You are made up of your choices. And I'm still here for you :)
Scrolling through Facebook, I've noticed arguments breaking out between all sorts of sides about this gay marriage argument. I haven't argued at all (I genuinely haven't), but it makes me sad to see people arguing so much. I think it's totally okay for everyone to state their opinion, whatever that may be. If you believe the Bible to be the truth, and you disagree with all this, great! Make sure to love on others who disagree with you and don't hate on them whatsoever. Try not to act disgusted over someone's lifestyle. They're loved just as much as you by the same God who loves you. If you believe gay marriage is a great thing, great! Before you point fingers and call people bigots/homophobic for disagreeing with you, make sure you're being tolerant of their opinions. Practice what you preach. If you say you're so nonjudgmental of people, then act that way!!
I'm sure you may have figured out what I take on all this and where I stand in my views, but I know personally, I am a sinner and I sin every day. (There is a reason my blog is called "Prone To Wander Endlessly". I'm prone to leaving and wandering away from my true Father and I'm forever thankful for His love and grace.) I honestly know I'd be in a very dark place if it weren't for Him and I don't even know if I'd actually be alive right now if I didn't know God. And I KNOW that the Bible is the ultimate truth and every word the Bible says shouldn't be adjusted to suit your personal lifestyle. Messing with the Bible doesn't make any sense, tbh. Don't do that.
I'd also like to point out that disagreeing with someone doesn't mean you hate them. I wouldn't agree with so and so's cocaine addiction, but that definitely doesn't mean I hate them or I see them as less of a person than me. Then again, if you apply that to this argument concerning gay marriage, it all comes down to if you see being gay as something you're born as or if it's a choice you make later in life.
I'd like to conclude this with two thoughts: speak the truth even if your voice shakes & don't forget to truly, truly, truly love others, and even if it seems no one else does, God will always love you, sin and all.
Monday, June 15, 2015
0-100% Real Quick
I've been toying with the idea of glasses of water lately.
Okay, I'm gonna explain more:
I've thought to myself how people are kind of like glasses of water, in the sense that we never know when our 100% will occur- that 100% saying we lived our lives, however the heck we wanted to live them.
For all I know, I could be at my 50% right now, and I'll die at 34.
I could be at my 12% right now.
I could be at my 90%.
You could be at your 5%.
You could die before that 90 year old and that 4 year old girl could be at her 75% and that serial killer could only be at his/her 20%.
Sounds real morbid, I know. But here I am, writing all this at 1AM because I feel I can't go to bed until I get this out of my system and hopefully, someone needs to hear these words, and if not, I'll just be happy knowing this is out there.
I feel like I'm plagued with this feeling inside of me that bubbles up every so often onto the surface in ways that are overly-emotional and probably pretty ugly and that feeling is self-discovery. And yes, I'm totally going to be making "self-discovery" a feeling tonight.
It's probably halfway my age and halfway my own dang personality how I am feeling all this so deeply.
I'm honestly so super scared to be starting a new chapter of my life and moving to a different state and going to college and meeting all these new people.
Honestly, as much as I hate earthworms, I gotta say that growing up is probably my biggest fear.
Who am I? What is my purpose? How will I live a fulfilling life? How can I live every day to its fullest? - a collection of questions by Hannah Baker
I stumbled upon this quote: "Today, you have 100% of your life left."
I thought, "Lol, what the heck is this??" and it took me a while to wrap my head around this, because I'm so future-oriented and apparently, super concerned with my future inevitable death.
But if you take this wonderful concept of "living in the moment", you get this wonderful 100% of your life ahead of you. And it got me thinking about how with God, every new day is a new start. We have to actually live our lives as if we are only at our 0% of everything. We are not at our 100%. We are at our 0% and every day is a chance to do whatever the heck you want to do.
So, I'd make sure you're doing something really super great because you never know when your 0% will run out.
Okay, I'm gonna explain more:
I've thought to myself how people are kind of like glasses of water, in the sense that we never know when our 100% will occur- that 100% saying we lived our lives, however the heck we wanted to live them.
For all I know, I could be at my 50% right now, and I'll die at 34.
I could be at my 12% right now.
I could be at my 90%.
You could be at your 5%.
You could die before that 90 year old and that 4 year old girl could be at her 75% and that serial killer could only be at his/her 20%.
Sounds real morbid, I know. But here I am, writing all this at 1AM because I feel I can't go to bed until I get this out of my system and hopefully, someone needs to hear these words, and if not, I'll just be happy knowing this is out there.
I feel like I'm plagued with this feeling inside of me that bubbles up every so often onto the surface in ways that are overly-emotional and probably pretty ugly and that feeling is self-discovery. And yes, I'm totally going to be making "self-discovery" a feeling tonight.
It's probably halfway my age and halfway my own dang personality how I am feeling all this so deeply.
I'm honestly so super scared to be starting a new chapter of my life and moving to a different state and going to college and meeting all these new people.
Honestly, as much as I hate earthworms, I gotta say that growing up is probably my biggest fear.
Who am I? What is my purpose? How will I live a fulfilling life? How can I live every day to its fullest? - a collection of questions by Hannah Baker
I stumbled upon this quote: "Today, you have 100% of your life left."
I thought, "Lol, what the heck is this??" and it took me a while to wrap my head around this, because I'm so future-oriented and apparently, super concerned with my future inevitable death.
But if you take this wonderful concept of "living in the moment", you get this wonderful 100% of your life ahead of you. And it got me thinking about how with God, every new day is a new start. We have to actually live our lives as if we are only at our 0% of everything. We are not at our 100%. We are at our 0% and every day is a chance to do whatever the heck you want to do.
So, I'd make sure you're doing something really super great because you never know when your 0% will run out.
Monday, April 6, 2015
"How Wild It Was To Let It Be"
I was sitting on the floor of my friend's room the other night, watching how she painted gold sparkles onto her fingernails. She continued our conversation with, "Dude, I think the biggest lesson God has brought into your life this year is to just let things be. Sometimes you don't get closure."
I agreed, "It was a lesson I really needed to learn."
She smiled back, "But it is difficult."
I wouldn't disagree with that. I watched as the gold sparkles I had also ended up painting on my fingernails reflected the sun and I thought.
1st Thought: My favorite band has a new album that recently came out called "Kintsugi." Apparently it was inspired by this Japanese concept of repairing and fixing broken pottery with golden lacquer. I'd like to think of this as a metaphor for realizing that something once broken can eventually become whole again and even more beautiful than it was before. Without the trials we go through, we wouldn't be these beautiful individuals we are today. The struggle helps our souls.
2nd Thought: At an FCA meeting during lunch at my school about a month ago, one of our leaders talked about how he knew this guy who frequently prayed for trials, because he knew it would bring him closer to God. I figured I'd try that. I've been praying for trials ever since.
3rd Thought: You might be wondering where the title of this post came from. It came from the book Wild, which is a hella good movie also btw. The main character, Cheryl Strayed hiked the Pacific Crest Trail in an effort to clear her mind. It was a journey of self-discovery. She eventually came to terms with her mother's death and a recent divorce she went through, along with her reckless lifestyle, and the last line of the movie is, "How wild it was, to let it be."
4th Thought: A friend recently showed me the song "Difference Maker" by Needtobreathe.
"Yeah, isn't it amazing how a man can find himself alone
Call into the darkness for an answer that he's never known
Yeah, isn't it amazing how God can take a broken man
Yeah, let him find a fortune, let him ruin it with his own two hands
And he climbs on up the hill on the rock on which he stands
He looks back at the crowd
He looks down at his hands and he says
I am a difference maker
Oh, I am the difference maker
Oh, I am the only one who speaks to him
And I am the friendliest of friends of God"
I believe that these beautiful trials are all connected. All these thoughts have one thread in common: Let things be. And love people. Be the difference. Don't be like the world. Breathe for a sec.
All of these thoughts have to do with self-discovery and realizing you are a whole person on your own. Those cracks inside of you that hurt you can only be truly filled by your true Savior, the person who died knowing you may never love Him back: Jesus.
Let me be brutally honest now: I was in love with this guy for the longest time. It's that same guy I've been writing all my poetry about (wow, I am a dweeb). I'm still in love with him, I won't lie. Or else I wouldn't be genuine with myself. I tried to quietly slip away, but he noticed. We are/were really good friends, and he knew I was getting distant. We got coffee on Easter (his last day in town before he went back to college) and I told him everything I ever wanted to say to him.
"I got distant, because I kept checking up on you and I was breaking my own heart by doing that."
"I can't and I don't want to tell you how to live your life."
"I feel like you can have more than 'The One.' Like, you could marry someone and it would be perfectly fine and you two would be in love, but you aren't meant to be together. Because maybe you're supposed to find someone in college and marry them, because your kids will cure cancer or something. I thought you were 'The One' for a little while there."
"You can't control how you don't feel the same way about me. It's not your fault."
"I think this will be the last time we're this close. Thanks for being my friend. You've taught me a lot. I love you. Maybe we'll see each other in five years or something, and I have a feeling our paths will cross again, but here we are saying goodbye."
We cried. I was a mess, tbh. We hugged. He understood. We prayed. We held hands and for those few moments, our past and our futures without each other fluttered by my eyes and collected in my teardrops and with every tear and every step, I felt more okay. I felt like this was me letting it be.
For all the emotions and love I've had for this guy for the past two years, it was hard to let go. But it is not impossible.
God has a plan. I prayed for trials, and I got them, which bring me closer to God, which is the ultimate goal.
I'm okay with being alone, because I know that doesn't mean I'm lonely. I want to be a difference maker. I want to accept my trials with grace and I want to love people.
I am more sure of this and I am more sure of myself.
As I head off to college, I am learning more and more about who my Savior is and realizing more how all those empty spaces in my heart have been filled with gold due to a God that truly loves me and wants to give me His best plan for my life. I have a kintsugi heart.
I can feel Him say, I love you. It will get better. I have a plan and you are absolutely going to love it.
I agreed, "It was a lesson I really needed to learn."
She smiled back, "But it is difficult."
I wouldn't disagree with that. I watched as the gold sparkles I had also ended up painting on my fingernails reflected the sun and I thought.
1st Thought: My favorite band has a new album that recently came out called "Kintsugi." Apparently it was inspired by this Japanese concept of repairing and fixing broken pottery with golden lacquer. I'd like to think of this as a metaphor for realizing that something once broken can eventually become whole again and even more beautiful than it was before. Without the trials we go through, we wouldn't be these beautiful individuals we are today. The struggle helps our souls.
2nd Thought: At an FCA meeting during lunch at my school about a month ago, one of our leaders talked about how he knew this guy who frequently prayed for trials, because he knew it would bring him closer to God. I figured I'd try that. I've been praying for trials ever since.
3rd Thought: You might be wondering where the title of this post came from. It came from the book Wild, which is a hella good movie also btw. The main character, Cheryl Strayed hiked the Pacific Crest Trail in an effort to clear her mind. It was a journey of self-discovery. She eventually came to terms with her mother's death and a recent divorce she went through, along with her reckless lifestyle, and the last line of the movie is, "How wild it was, to let it be."
4th Thought: A friend recently showed me the song "Difference Maker" by Needtobreathe.
"Yeah, isn't it amazing how a man can find himself alone
Call into the darkness for an answer that he's never known
Yeah, isn't it amazing how God can take a broken man
Yeah, let him find a fortune, let him ruin it with his own two hands
And he climbs on up the hill on the rock on which he stands
He looks back at the crowd
He looks down at his hands and he says
I am a difference maker
Oh, I am the difference maker
Oh, I am the only one who speaks to him
And I am the friendliest of friends of God"
I believe that these beautiful trials are all connected. All these thoughts have one thread in common: Let things be. And love people. Be the difference. Don't be like the world. Breathe for a sec.
All of these thoughts have to do with self-discovery and realizing you are a whole person on your own. Those cracks inside of you that hurt you can only be truly filled by your true Savior, the person who died knowing you may never love Him back: Jesus.
Let me be brutally honest now: I was in love with this guy for the longest time. It's that same guy I've been writing all my poetry about (wow, I am a dweeb). I'm still in love with him, I won't lie. Or else I wouldn't be genuine with myself. I tried to quietly slip away, but he noticed. We are/were really good friends, and he knew I was getting distant. We got coffee on Easter (his last day in town before he went back to college) and I told him everything I ever wanted to say to him.
"I got distant, because I kept checking up on you and I was breaking my own heart by doing that."
"I can't and I don't want to tell you how to live your life."
"I feel like you can have more than 'The One.' Like, you could marry someone and it would be perfectly fine and you two would be in love, but you aren't meant to be together. Because maybe you're supposed to find someone in college and marry them, because your kids will cure cancer or something. I thought you were 'The One' for a little while there."
"You can't control how you don't feel the same way about me. It's not your fault."
"I think this will be the last time we're this close. Thanks for being my friend. You've taught me a lot. I love you. Maybe we'll see each other in five years or something, and I have a feeling our paths will cross again, but here we are saying goodbye."
We cried. I was a mess, tbh. We hugged. He understood. We prayed. We held hands and for those few moments, our past and our futures without each other fluttered by my eyes and collected in my teardrops and with every tear and every step, I felt more okay. I felt like this was me letting it be.
For all the emotions and love I've had for this guy for the past two years, it was hard to let go. But it is not impossible.
God has a plan. I prayed for trials, and I got them, which bring me closer to God, which is the ultimate goal.
I'm okay with being alone, because I know that doesn't mean I'm lonely. I want to be a difference maker. I want to accept my trials with grace and I want to love people.
I am more sure of this and I am more sure of myself.
As I head off to college, I am learning more and more about who my Savior is and realizing more how all those empty spaces in my heart have been filled with gold due to a God that truly loves me and wants to give me His best plan for my life. I have a kintsugi heart.
I can feel Him say, I love you. It will get better. I have a plan and you are absolutely going to love it.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Hear You Me
We take so many things for granted.
I feel like so often we hear that along with something like, "Some people don't have a house." Or "Some people are starving." And then we take all those sayings for granted, figuring they'll come along with the long lecture of "We take so many things for granted."
How ridiculous is that? We have everything we need to have at this moment, even if that is hard to believe.
So although we tend to take our houses and our cars and our clothes for granted, what about stuff like eyesight or hearing or our families or our friends or even life?
When it comes down to it, no matter how good we are at writing or doing a sport or painting or singing or literally whatever, it doesn't matter. How good we are at something doesn't define us. How much we LOVE doing these things are really what matter. I might be really awful at writing, but I love doing it. J.K. Rowling may be a really great writer, but what really matters is that she loves writing.
What I'm trying to say is this:
We take love for granted.
We don't realize how much we love someone until we lose our eyesight and we can't see their faces anymore.
We don't realize how much we love music until we go deaf and we can't hear anymore.
We don't realize how much we love our parents until one of them dies.
We don't realize how much we love running until we get paralyzed and we miss that feeling of actually walking.
We don't realize how much we love everyday things like tying our shoes or making food, until our hands are arthritic and it's hard for us to hold a pencil.
We don't realize how much we love our boyfriend/girlfriend until they break up with us and we're sitting on our beds wondering what we did wrong.
We don't realize how much we love life until we're sitting on our hospital beds with IVs in our arms, swallowing pills as if they'll nurture us back to life because we're hoping to mend all those wounds we created by not loving the things we took for granted way back when.
We don't realize how much we love.
And we can't begin to fathom how much God loves us.
I genuinely think it all comes down to living for the day and loving the crap out of everything life throws at you-even the heartbreak.
I feel like so often we hear that along with something like, "Some people don't have a house." Or "Some people are starving." And then we take all those sayings for granted, figuring they'll come along with the long lecture of "We take so many things for granted."
How ridiculous is that? We have everything we need to have at this moment, even if that is hard to believe.
So although we tend to take our houses and our cars and our clothes for granted, what about stuff like eyesight or hearing or our families or our friends or even life?
When it comes down to it, no matter how good we are at writing or doing a sport or painting or singing or literally whatever, it doesn't matter. How good we are at something doesn't define us. How much we LOVE doing these things are really what matter. I might be really awful at writing, but I love doing it. J.K. Rowling may be a really great writer, but what really matters is that she loves writing.
What I'm trying to say is this:
We take love for granted.
We don't realize how much we love someone until we lose our eyesight and we can't see their faces anymore.
We don't realize how much we love music until we go deaf and we can't hear anymore.
We don't realize how much we love our parents until one of them dies.
We don't realize how much we love running until we get paralyzed and we miss that feeling of actually walking.
We don't realize how much we love everyday things like tying our shoes or making food, until our hands are arthritic and it's hard for us to hold a pencil.
We don't realize how much we love our boyfriend/girlfriend until they break up with us and we're sitting on our beds wondering what we did wrong.
We don't realize how much we love life until we're sitting on our hospital beds with IVs in our arms, swallowing pills as if they'll nurture us back to life because we're hoping to mend all those wounds we created by not loving the things we took for granted way back when.
We don't realize how much we love.
And we can't begin to fathom how much God loves us.
I genuinely think it all comes down to living for the day and loving the crap out of everything life throws at you-even the heartbreak.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Hey Wish Man, Tell Me What's Your Wish?
I'm listening to "Nina" by Ed Sheeran right now. I love him so much. This is probably my favorite song of his right now. The real thing I came here to discuss, however, is how much I've missed writing on this thing! Guys, it's been over a month. Dear gosh, it's been so long! Sorry, y'all. Also, I'm seeing comments on some of my posts and I'm so sorry if I don't respond! I love the comments! I love them so much! Keep talking! I'm sorry I don't respond! I will try to get that together shortly :)
I'd also like to apologize (sorta) for the way I write and how I jump from idea to idea and from point to point, but that's just the way my mind works and I'd rather be genuine than try to make this perfect, you know?
Here is the deal.
ALL WE HAVE IS TODAY.
ALL WE FREAKING HAVE IS TODAY.
Okay, maybe we don't even have today.
Scratch what I just said above.
ALL WE GOT IS THIS-THIS MOMENT.
ALL WE GOT IS THIS.
ALL WE GOT IS THIS.
Repeat this until it scares you. Honestly. I've had this strange epiphany in the past week that we have literally been constructed for this moment and "how can we let this moment seize us?" Because all this life ever is, is just an opportunity to face our challenges the way we want to. The choice is up to us.
I believe in a God that has put us here on Earth for a purpose. Once you realize that you have a purpose, all your worries just sorta melt away. I can't even express how happy I am knowing that an eternal life is waiting for me in Heaven. I believe that I'm waking up every morning with a purpose, whether that is saving a life or helping a friend ask someone to a dance to just having a talk with a new person over coffee. There is literally so much purpose there.
Okay, but concerning this, we need to realize this: You, as an individual, have probably heard about people who have had a terminal illness and the doctor goes, "Well, dude, you have three months to live," and the sick person is depressed and confused for a second and then realizes, "Well, as long as I'm alive..." And they live their life and go to Africa and kiss their crush and publish a book and go cliffdiving and love all their families and friends more than they ever have before.
Well, guys, we are all terminal.
Every single one of us.
We're all freaking dying.
Our finite lives on this Earth is slowly grinding our bitter bones into dust and all we seem to be concerned about is work and school and drama and what some person is wearing and "Did you hear what so-and-so said?" And "Yeah, I got in a fight with this dude yesterday."
If this isn't a screaming invitation for everyone to wake up then I don't know what is. I can't express how much I want you guys to realize this:
YOU MAY DIE IN A DAY. Or in a week. Or a year. Or in fifteen minutes. The truth is, people are dying every few seconds. You could be one of them.
I don't understand why you wouldn't live your life waking up every day thinking, "I am still alive. I am still freaking alive. I am here because God has a purpose for me today and I am going to fulfill that purpose and at the end of the day, if I get that far, I will thank Him for what he has done for me today and how He has used me today. I will love people because I don't know if this will be the last time I see them, and if it is, I don't want their last memory of me to be a couple bitter words and a pessimistic attitude. I am alive and whatever comes, may come, because God is infinite and I know He is ahead and He will use this bad for good."
I'm trying really hard to live by this for the rest of my life on Earth, because I don't know why you wouldn't want to spend your last day in this life in hatred for yourself and others. Guys, this idea is changing my week.
I challenge you to think like this yourself. And it will be a challenge, especially on the tough days when nothing seems to be going right.
I don't care whether you believe in God or if you believe the Universe has put you where you need to be, or whatever. I don't care. But love a little, because honestly. You're dying.
Close your eyes. All we got is this.
I'd also like to apologize (sorta) for the way I write and how I jump from idea to idea and from point to point, but that's just the way my mind works and I'd rather be genuine than try to make this perfect, you know?
Here is the deal.
ALL WE HAVE IS TODAY.
ALL WE FREAKING HAVE IS TODAY.
Okay, maybe we don't even have today.
Scratch what I just said above.
ALL WE GOT IS THIS-THIS MOMENT.
ALL WE GOT IS THIS.
ALL WE GOT IS THIS.
Repeat this until it scares you. Honestly. I've had this strange epiphany in the past week that we have literally been constructed for this moment and "how can we let this moment seize us?" Because all this life ever is, is just an opportunity to face our challenges the way we want to. The choice is up to us.
I believe in a God that has put us here on Earth for a purpose. Once you realize that you have a purpose, all your worries just sorta melt away. I can't even express how happy I am knowing that an eternal life is waiting for me in Heaven. I believe that I'm waking up every morning with a purpose, whether that is saving a life or helping a friend ask someone to a dance to just having a talk with a new person over coffee. There is literally so much purpose there.
Okay, but concerning this, we need to realize this: You, as an individual, have probably heard about people who have had a terminal illness and the doctor goes, "Well, dude, you have three months to live," and the sick person is depressed and confused for a second and then realizes, "Well, as long as I'm alive..." And they live their life and go to Africa and kiss their crush and publish a book and go cliffdiving and love all their families and friends more than they ever have before.
Well, guys, we are all terminal.
Every single one of us.
We're all freaking dying.
Our finite lives on this Earth is slowly grinding our bitter bones into dust and all we seem to be concerned about is work and school and drama and what some person is wearing and "Did you hear what so-and-so said?" And "Yeah, I got in a fight with this dude yesterday."
If this isn't a screaming invitation for everyone to wake up then I don't know what is. I can't express how much I want you guys to realize this:
YOU MAY DIE IN A DAY. Or in a week. Or a year. Or in fifteen minutes. The truth is, people are dying every few seconds. You could be one of them.
I don't understand why you wouldn't live your life waking up every day thinking, "I am still alive. I am still freaking alive. I am here because God has a purpose for me today and I am going to fulfill that purpose and at the end of the day, if I get that far, I will thank Him for what he has done for me today and how He has used me today. I will love people because I don't know if this will be the last time I see them, and if it is, I don't want their last memory of me to be a couple bitter words and a pessimistic attitude. I am alive and whatever comes, may come, because God is infinite and I know He is ahead and He will use this bad for good."
I'm trying really hard to live by this for the rest of my life on Earth, because I don't know why you wouldn't want to spend your last day in this life in hatred for yourself and others. Guys, this idea is changing my week.
I challenge you to think like this yourself. And it will be a challenge, especially on the tough days when nothing seems to be going right.
I don't care whether you believe in God or if you believe the Universe has put you where you need to be, or whatever. I don't care. But love a little, because honestly. You're dying.
Close your eyes. All we got is this.
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