Okay, first off, I know I'm probably way too obsessed with The Fault In Our Stars, but I began to think of something to write about and I needed a name for this post and if you guys haven't checked out the song "Oblivion" by Indians, then I highly suggest you check it out.
First off, I realized that most of my friends have graduated and are leaving me in, like, a month. It's sort of depressing, because I'm socially awkward and stoic and it's slightly difficult for me to make friends. And it's even more sad that most all of my friends are leaving me. I think I'm gonna have maybe four friends next year at school with me. That's not to say I don't love a lot of people in my grade! I talk to most of them, and most of them are pretty chill, but the people I go on midnight adventures with, and the people I drink tea on rooftops with, and the people I have deep talks about soul mates with will all be gone. And it's sort of really sad. They're gonna go off and make a bunch of adventures. And what makes me even more sad is that they all say, "Oh Hannah, I could never forget about you. Whenever you need me, I'll be there. You'll have to come visit me in college! And whenever I come back to Estes, we're gonna have so many adventures! It'll be so much fun!"
I want to believe them. But, I have this feeling that they're going to get so much work and get all wrapped up in college life (I hope they do! I hope they have fun!) that they won't really talk to me as much. They won't talk to me as often as they say they are going to. That's reality, I think. I'll disappear into the oblivion in their minds and eventually, my life will become a perpetual state for them where they don't really think about me. THINK ABOUT IT. They are going to go off to college and maybe freshman year they'll stay in contact with me a little, and then sophomore year will hit and we might stay in contact a little bit, but not so much. I'll be going off to college somewhere else, and how dare I get so wrapped up in my college life that I forget to stay in contact with all my old high school friends. Eventually, there will come a time during my senior year or something, where I'll meet one of my high school friends and we'll say, "Heyyyy! Long time no see!" and we'll go shopping or something for that day. But there will always be that underlying awkwardness presenting itself in questions like, "So, how have you been?' or "So, how are your classes going?" or "We haven't talked in soooo long! I've missed you so much!" How awkward is that? "I've missed you so much!"
Have you really? My fear is not to disappear into oblivion in my friends' brains. My fear is missing the feeling of missing someone. There will come a time where I won't miss them. There will come a time where there won't be any way to stay in contact with any of my high school friends unless I freakin' marry them or something. But enough with me being a Professional Sadness. I'm just speaking my thoughts. The future is a scary thought and that's what makes it intriguing. Fear is so intriguing.
Missing the feeling of missing someone.
John Green said in his book An Abundance of Katherines, "You can love someone so much, but you can never love them as much as you can miss them."
I feel this way about all of my friends! Even all those friends I've happened to fall in love with. I love them so so so so so so so so so so much. But these feelings I have for these certain people- these thoughts I have created in my mind where there is a future for us- aren't reality. Freakin' reality. As much as I imagine one of my friends falling in love with me in a perfect world where we get married and go on our honeymoon…. And that's not even enough! I fantasize more about sharing toothpaste and falling asleep on couches and drinking wine out of paper cups than the big things in a marriage. As much as I imagine another one of my friends and me moving into a cabin in the woods where we will be roommates before we find husbands… and even drinking lemonade and taking spontaneous weekend road trips to the beach and finding movies on YouTube and falling asleep with the computer light on our faces.
But, here I am slipping into the afterglow of a fantasy. I won't talk to those friends. There will come a time where I don't. And if slipping into the oblivion of their minds scares me, then I need a reality check.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.'"-Jeremiah 29:11
There is still hope for me! And there is still hope for you, if you are actually reading this. That verse is so reassuring. Missing someone is just a side effect of the illness called loving them. And I like it that way. I'll keep on loving people.
Also, my birthday is tomorrow! LOL, weird, I'm gonna be 17, guys. Ha.
Also, check out these songs:
"Skeletons" by Real Friends
"All I Want" by Kodaline
I really hope you check out the songs I type down in my posts, too. It'll help express the mood I'm in even more than I can express.
Way back then there were monsters in my closet
And now there's just skeletons hiding in there
The clock is ticking away
The leaves are still falling every day
