A Forest Of Dreams

I remember the times when I saw you in the sheets of my blanket

And felt your warm breath against my neck as I looked at lakes. 

Those were the times when your green eyes shined like sunbeams 

And your lips tasted like taffy. 

Those were the times where you presented yourself to me in a way that was malleable.

I wanted to hold your body and I wanted to feel our faces pressed together and I wanted 

To run my hands through your hair, because I thought those affections would be returned.

It was a tricky situation, those times. I will love you as a friend. For all those times the wind made my eyes teary, I knew you thought otherwise. You presented yourself idealistically, 

Not realistically. You aren't mine for the keeping. You were never mine. 

I hope the dreams come to you in whispers and shout like the wind in your beautiful ears,

"You won't realize what you could've had, until she loves another." 

I've Given Up On You

A lot has happened since my last post.

And a dear friend of mine messaged me and said she really loved catching up with my blog and she loves how I express my emotions and that really just made me so so happy and tomorrow is December so I might as well just write. 

Wow, okay, so I've been thinking about what it means to truly be an inspiration and how, we, as individuals can express our views in a way that shoots out of our hearts like lightbeams into other people's dark corners of their skin. And how something that can be so gently rubbed on the surface of a conflict can bring light and comfort and the Holy Spirit to a situation. 

I mean, basically since last time I've really written a post like this, I've (most likely) decided on a college to go to and I won Homecoming Queen at my high school (#What) and I've fallen out of love with a person and I've gone to six concerts since the school year started. Life be cray. And I'm such a late bloomer on this, but I'm probably (hopefully) getting my license on Wednesday. #RaiseAGlassToPass 

Okay, so I remember sitting on the chair in my room on a senior ditch day and my mom called me from the middle school (she's a registrar there) and excitedly said, "Guess who's nominated for Homecoming Queen?" And I just said, "OH. MY. GOSH." into the phone. Obviously, I was nominated and obviously I was surprised. (I think my mom was excited because of the fact she was nominated at her school her senior year. So was my aunt. And my grandma. Runs in the fam bam.) 

I was confused how someone like me-who didn't particularly fit into that group of people, who isn't super outgoing or social or athletic- was actually nominated. I sifted through my friends' answers, "Well you're just friends with everyone!" "Everyone likes you!" "You're so nice to everyone!", but none of these seemed completely accurate. I never figured out the answer, but I'd like to believe that me winning Homecoming Queen wasn't so much about my "popularity", but more about me as an inspiration, an encourager, and a light to others.
I don't necessarily have regrets, because I think all of my bad moments have led me to the person I am today and I am thankful for that. But I wish I talked to my youth leader about how (and if I could) to be an inspiration in the wake of me being nominated and winning what is so inaccurately seen as a popularity contest. I never did. But if I inspired, you, if you are reading this, then I would be so incredibly happy. I believe in the concept of unity, not conformity. If you are like the world, then you will never change it. If you help an individual see your light, then they can pass their light to another. In this sense, we are unified. We are one, while still retaining our individuality.
So, without becoming too hippy-ish, I believe in this concept. I believe by letting the Holy Spirit guide our steps, we become fulfilled. We are living our lives to our fullest potential, whether that is staying in a small house raising a family in a town in Kansas, to going to college in Oregon and buying a beach house and not getting married, to traveling the world on mission trips, to whatever and wherever. God's plan for us is so beautiful and so amazing that we can't comprehend what will happen until it already has; until we look back and say, "Wow, I was in a rough spot, but here I am now. It gets better."
My goal is to be a light.
I know from personal experience that people disappoint. You hear, "When I go off to college, I won't forget you." You believe they'll come back stronger: different, yet stronger. Yet, when you see them again, they're the person they said they'd never become. Are you really living your life according to who you tell people you are? Are you going to church on Sundays, only to be vomiting up vodka in a bathroom stall the next night? Are you telling your youth pastor you're getting closer to God, while you hook up with girls on weekends, not even bothering to think about your actions? Are you smothering your friends with affection by encouraging them you'll be there for them, while you don't even have the audacity to listen to what they have to say? Look up from that freakin' Instagram post and join the world. It's calling for you.
"See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness."-Luke 11:35
Take some advice from Luke.
I will not be someone who puts on a show. I will not be someone who is that; I will not be with
someone who is like that. For my younger friends, I want to come back from college and I want to still be that inspiration I was before I left. I want to come back to Estes different, but stronger. And I want you to go out into the world and I want you to be a light. Don't be like the world!
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve God's what will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:2
As we grow older, we must realize it's never too late to start over. No one is perfect. But what you allow, is what will continue.
Give up on people who bring you down. Who truly inspires you? Look to God as the ultimate example. Be more like Christ.
As we grow older, we must not lose hope in this truly sucky world. It's a battle between popular or inspiring; unity or conformity. We are forever getting closer to love, closer to home, closer to God.

Also, look up these songs, loves!
"Our Life Is Like A Party" by Besides Daniel
"High" by Young Rising Sons
"Brand New Day" by Trevor Hall
"I Lived" by OneRepublic
"Can't Break Her Fall" by Mat Kearney
"Robbers" by The 1975
"Iris (Hold Me Close)" by U2
"You Are Enough" by Sleeping At Last
"You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North
"I've Given Up On You" by Real Friends

A Light That Never Goes Out

I've been listening to a lot of Covenhoven and drinking black coffee and casually seeing concerts on the weekends lately.
This is also my introduction to what I'm trying to make my most poetic post, chock-full of metaphors and imagery. This next section isn't exciting. You can skip over it.
[The start of senior year is the most boring thing ever and I'm definitely ready to get out of Estes Park. The only thing exciting anymore is my Anatomy & Physiology class, and that's saying something. I've already applied to schools and I'm basically certain of where I'm going next year.  I also know that as soon as I'm out I'll miss this place, so I'm trying to be happy -sort of a melancholy happy, which I really adore.
I also really feel complete by myself and it feels really refreshing. I don't know if you'll know what that means and that's okay.
I'm feeling inspired, or feeling even more like I want to be an inspiration. I don't know if I am, or not, but as long as I can let my light help someone's else's dark times, then I'll be happy.
I also know I'm probably intimidating, because my sister said she smiles at me in the hallways, and I'm stoic. It's really super funny, because in my mind I'm expressive. Lol, my life is awkward.
I'm not void of emotions, I promise. Guys, I cried during The Oh Hello's concert. I have emotions, I promise!]

Okay, so overall, I've also been writing poetry, getting free songs on iTunes, living with no WiFi in my house, watching my sister draw magnificent drawings, wearing the same clothes every other day (#HighSchoolsBlows), running in the morning every other day, probably buying too many pairs of jeans, wasting my money away on chai and dystopian movies (money is green paper to me, anyways) (I'm never going to be an accountant), listening to a bunch of acoustic music, and getting ready for my favorite month of the year!!!! October is the best. Oh my gosh.

My Feelings (aka My Poetry)
By Hannah Baker (I'll change my name if I become famous. Hannah Baker=so generic. #Disgusting)

I think there comes a moment
Where rocky cliffs feel like nothing
And the sky opens up with little sun particles
And we realize it's only dust
And we try to glue together our heart strings
With buttons, but we crumble, and
I think I'm at this moment and all I
Can think of are blue eyes, and
Where are they?

And here I am-
The slow deterioration of age eating at my insides
As I realize these sticky letters I'm writing to you
Mean nothing, because all they'll ever be is
Empty sounding poetic voices on notebook paper.

There's a fire and that fire is bleeding supernatural blue,
Until it ignites. We drive and run and force our way into
Coughing up ashes and our feet are bleeding from the bark
On the ground. There's beauty in the pain.

My mind is eating itself, my heart strings are bleeding
Blue, then vibrant red, shredding itself, tearing itself. In a hurry, I write down on
Those notebook paper anthemic letters I am writing to you
(You'll never read them.) that we can look for the good.
"Finding good doesn't mean pursuing happiness."- ink
Letters and chipped teeth.

Those dust particles retrace back to the sun and 

Those paper cuts on our fingers retrace back to our hearts and

Those blue eyes retrace back to you

And I see that beauty. 

Thoughts Number One

I'll probably create more of these "Thoughts" pages because stuff just comes into my mind and typically it's not enough for a super long post.

I think that there's an image we get in our minds of who we will marry or who our soulmates will be or whatever, and we endlessly search for that soulmate, you know?
We're hoping they will fill that empty feeling in our hearts (but they won't because they can't because they're only human).
I think this idealistic image is beautiful, I really do. I'm an idealist.
But, I also think that God has someone better in mind-someone who we might not even expect. You could have a dream guy or girl in mind, but really that's not what you need.
And even if you feel you've met that dream guy/girl, you might have! As a person, they've fulfilled your thoughts on what your idealistic love would be, but they still might not return the feelings you have for them, or something might not work out in some way.
Basically, we just have to be prepared to be surprised.
We have no idea and I think that's wonderful.
I've always loved the unknown.

Oblivion

Okay, first off, I know I'm probably way too obsessed with The Fault In Our Stars, but I began to think of something to write about and I needed a name for this post and if you guys haven't checked out the song "Oblivion" by Indians, then I highly suggest you check it out.
First off, I realized that most of my friends have graduated and are leaving me in, like, a month. It's sort of depressing, because I'm socially awkward and stoic and it's slightly difficult for me to make friends. And it's even more sad that most all of my friends are leaving me. I think I'm gonna have maybe four friends next year at school with me. That's not to say I don't love a lot of people in my grade! I talk to most of them, and most of them are pretty chill, but the people I go on midnight adventures with, and the people I drink tea on rooftops with, and the people I have deep talks about soul mates with will all be gone. And it's sort of really sad. They're gonna go off and make a bunch of adventures. And what makes me even more sad is that they all say, "Oh Hannah, I could never forget about you. Whenever you need me, I'll be there. You'll have to come visit me in college! And whenever I come back to Estes, we're gonna have so many adventures! It'll be so much fun!"
I want to believe them. But, I have this feeling that they're going to get so much work and get all wrapped up in college life (I hope they do! I hope they have fun!) that they won't really talk to me as much. They won't talk to me as often as they say they are going to. That's reality, I think. I'll disappear into the oblivion in their minds and eventually, my life will become a perpetual state for them where they don't really think about me. THINK ABOUT IT. They are going to go off to college and maybe freshman year they'll stay in contact with me a little, and then sophomore year will hit and we might stay in contact a little bit, but not so much. I'll be going off to college somewhere else, and how dare I get so wrapped up in my college life that I forget to stay in contact with all my old high school friends. Eventually, there will come a time during my senior year or something, where I'll meet one of my high school friends and we'll say, "Heyyyy! Long time no see!" and we'll go shopping or something for that day. But there will always be that underlying awkwardness presenting itself in questions like, "So, how have you been?' or "So, how are your classes going?" or "We haven't talked in soooo long! I've missed you so much!" How awkward is that? "I've missed you so much!"
Have you really? My fear is not to disappear into oblivion in my friends' brains. My fear is missing the feeling of missing someone. There will come a time where I won't miss them. There will come a time where there won't be any way to stay in contact with any of my high school friends unless I freakin' marry them or something. But enough with me being a Professional Sadness. I'm just speaking my thoughts. The future is a scary thought and that's what makes it intriguing. Fear is so intriguing.
Missing the feeling of missing someone.
John Green said in his book An Abundance of Katherines, "You can love someone so much, but you can never love them as much as you can miss them."
I feel this way about all of my friends! Even all those friends I've happened to fall in love with. I love them so so so so so so so so so so much. But these feelings I have for these certain people- these thoughts I have created in my mind where there is a future for us- aren't reality. Freakin' reality. As much as I imagine one of my friends falling in love with me in a perfect world where we get married and go on our honeymoon…. And that's not even enough! I fantasize more about sharing toothpaste and falling asleep on couches and drinking wine out of paper cups than the big things in a marriage. As much as I imagine another one of my friends and me moving into a cabin in the woods where we will be roommates before we find husbands… and even drinking lemonade and taking spontaneous weekend road trips to the beach and finding movies on YouTube and falling asleep with the computer light on our faces.
But, here I am slipping into the afterglow of a fantasy. I won't talk to those friends. There will come a time where I don't. And if slipping into the oblivion of their minds scares me, then I need a reality check.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.'"-Jeremiah 29:11
There is still hope for me! And there is still hope for you, if you are actually reading this. That verse is so reassuring. Missing someone is just a side effect of the illness called loving them. And I like it that way. I'll keep on loving people.

Also, my birthday is tomorrow! LOL, weird, I'm gonna be 17, guys. Ha.

Also, check out these songs:
"Skeletons" by Real Friends
"All I Want" by Kodaline

I really hope you check out the songs I type down in my posts, too. It'll help express the mood I'm in even more than I can express.

Way back then there were monsters in my closet
And now there's just skeletons hiding in there
The clock is ticking away
The leaves are still falling every day

I Just Got Back From Running and Now I Feel Like Writing

I haven't really written anything in a while and it's almost July (my birthday month) and I just went on a run (because it de-stresses me) and a lot of things are on my mind right now and I feel like writing (because it de-stresses me) and so here it goes! It may not make much sense, but I'm just gonna do what I do and write.

Int. setting: I am sitting on my bed, with my gray bedsheets and white fluffy blanket and my other blanket that is blue with an owl print on it that my friend made me, with my stuffed dog Beasley that I got when I was six. My sister is in my shower listening to The Fray and it's a nice summer day and I am sort of sweaty and disgusting from going on a run (oh well). I have been meaning to hang up a movie poster, on my room's striped walls, for The Fault In Our Stars that my friend got me from the movie theatre (she works there) (TFIOS is suuuuuuch a good movie) and also a poster that my mom got me for Easter advertising The Oh Hello's concert I went to on New Year's Eve. I procrastinate and I'm not even sorry.
I've come to the realization that it's okay to procrastinate. And it's okay to get upset in situations. And it's okay if you're crying and it's okay to cry during The Fault In Our Stars. Okay? Okay.

HAHAHAHA. HAHA. HA. :(
Okay, (lol) but seriously, I'm not gonna get into a deep conversation, I'm just saying it's okay to feel things- no matter who you are or your situation. Don't hide feelings. They're beautiful, just like you :)

So, now since endorphins are flowing through my body, I'm just gonna talk about fun facts about me, that maybe lots of people don't know about!

1. Everyone who does know me knows that I say, "This song is my jam!" every time I'm in a car and a song comes on the radio that I know. It actually is probably not a song that I particularly like- it's just a song that I know and probably is nice to jam out to. For example, "Birthday" by Katy Perry is not actually my jam- even if I say it is. My four actual jams that I am addicted to right now are: "Wait" by M83, "All I Want" by Kodaline, "Knee Deep" by Lydia, and "Hayloft" by Nickel Creek. Except my favorite song of all time is….
2. I really like it when people just surprise kidnap me out of the blue. That's always nice. They just show up to my house and they're like, "Hey Hannah, we goin' on an adventure." I freakin' L-O-V-E when people do that.
3. Shopping is always nice- and I know I'm a typical teenage girl to say that. My favorite stores are Anthropologie (allll the way) and Urban Outfitters.
4. The most recent movie that I've watched and REALLY loved (besides TFIOS) is probably The Breakfast Club. It was my first time seeing it a couple weeks ago! It's so good! I know I'm probably a late bloomer when it comes to seeing it, but oops! I loved it! I also like Moonrise Kingdom and Fantastic Mr. Fox (everything Wes Anderson) (you probably already knew this) and Where The Wild Things Are (Spike Jonze did such a good job with that film- and I've yet to see Her) and Beasts of the Southern Wild. I also really, really, really love Tim Burton films. Also, Juno and The Perks of Being A Wallflower are also up there in my top 10 favorite movies. And let's be serious, I also love Pixar films.
5. The most recent book I read was The Good Luck of Right Now by Matthew Quick. And seriously, that book was so, so freakin' good. If you like stories about mental illness and roadtrips (like me), that is the book for you. But seriously, there was not one single character in the book I didn't like. I just started reading The Red House by Mark Haddon, so we'll see how that goes! Some of my other favorite books include The Opposite of Loneliness by Marina Keegan, The View From Saturday by E. L. Konigsburg, Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis, Looking For Alaska (and also The Fault In Our Stars) by John Green and The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. And of course the Harry Potter series is tops and the Artemis Fowl series is next.
6. My favorite album of all time is Plans by Death Cab For Cutie. Although some other nominees would be All That You Can't Leave Behind by U2, Illuminate by Lydia, Manners by Passion Pit, A Rush of Blood to the Head by Coldplay, and Save Rock and Roll by Fall Out Boy. Of course, I could go on and on about all my favorite bands, but those were just the albums I thought off the top of my head.
7. I won the geography bee at my school in the sixth grade and I won the spelling bee in the eighth grade. Haha! I used to be an overachiever.
8. I saw TFIOS in theaters five times. Just thought I would throw that in there.
9. I really super suck at math. Math is just beyond me. I still don't know how I managed to pass Precalculus this past year.
10. I run track- just in case you guys didn't know I ran. I also did cross country my freshman year (but those were dark times; I ain't goin' back). I'm a sprinter, too. I couldn't do long distance for the life of me.
11. I really like it when people play with my hair. Gosh, I love that. It is the best.
12. Stargazing is my babe (sorry, boys).
13. I play the bass guitar.

(Okay, if I am repeating things that I have already said in my earlier posts, then I am so sorry. I am just ranting, like I said. Okay? Okay.)

14. Four of my favorite quotes of all time are Albert Camus quotes:
       "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."
       "In the depth of winter I finally understood that within me there lay an invincible summer."
       "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
       "I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live as if there isn't and die to find out there is."
       Also this Leonardo da Vinci quote: "For once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return."
15. The creepiest song I've ever heard is "Chloroform Girl" by Polkadot Cadaver. All is fine and dandy (the tune is really catchy) until you really pay attention to the lyrics.
16. I have one dimple.
17. Apparently I drink like a llama (according to my sister).
18. I like sushi, but I will not touch seafood besides sushi. I know that's freakin' weird.
19. October is my favorite month.
20. One time I took a quiz titled "How Hipster Are You?" and I got a result that said I was so totally hipster, and sometimes I'm afraid that I fit into that scene, just 'cause I care so much about my individuality- but, I think it's okay if I do. Honestly, I could care less if people think I'm hipster or not. (Which might make me hipster or not…?) (Hipster-dom is a paradox)
21. I am a professional in breaking people's hearts I think. I won't elaborate. Except for, I'm not a heart-breaker, just a Professional Breaker of People's Hearts. You guys will probably not know the difference, and that's okay.
22. I don't fear the future at all- I have faith! :) I know people think that's weird and they can totally think that, but I believe in the idea that good gets created from the bad.
23. It's 8:27 PM as I'm writing down #23.
24. I don't like milk or cheese and I'm not lactose-intolerant, I swear.
25. I never have any good dreams. I only have nightmares and I never wake up from them, but I sorta like the terrifying feeling. Also, I don't move when I sleep apparently. I sleep like a dead person- I don't make any noise.
26. Duck Dynasty is the best TV show ever and I'm not even sorry.
27. I really love Jim Carrey and I'm not sorry about that either. I LOVE HIM. And also Tom Hiddleston, because who couldn't love that face? And Johnny Depp and George Clooney….
28. I want to go into clinical psychology and so we will see how that goes when I get to college in one year.
29. I'm going to Oregon in August and I'm so pumpedican'teven
30. Okay- last fact, I promise: One time in the sixth grade I really wanted to move to Ireland (I don't know why) (I still would like to go) and also in the sixth grade I got assigned to this project with my best friends and we had to write a story and it was awful and was about this guy named Mickey who gets adopted by this fat guy in a ballerina costume named Glinda Mouse and Mickey becomes Mickey Mouse and he lives on the stairs and falls in love with this one girl and they go looking for Mickey's real parents and they find his dad in this town full of munchkins and his dad's last name is Rooney, and Mickey becomes Mickey Rooney. We named this story My Friend Lives on the Stairs. Anyways, my friends and I were writing this story in an abandoned classroom one day during class and we were really hyped up for some reason, and I stood up on a desk and my friends started dancing around me singing Kate Nash songs and then a teacher walked in and we were all embarrassed.
31. Okay, fine, I'm also a compulsive liar.
32. I like guys who dance well and dress well and are also tall and sorta skinny (don't really like super buff guys) and who are sorta over-protective (me likey). THAT IS NICE RIGHT THERE >>>>

Okay, that is all. I'm gonna go eat food now.
       

I Was Wrong

Tonight (and I will be completely honest with you), I was feeling really down. I noticed that my life is a series of ups and downs. Like seriously, I go from being really happy about everything to really depressed.
The world constantly disappoints me.
Or, at least, this is what I told my mom tonight while sitting on the kitchen counter in the growing twilight, absent-mindedly sweeping away the crumbs of toast from the granite tops while counting them as they fell. And this is what I am saying to you now as I sit in my bed; my gray jeans uncomfortably finding a position in the fluffy white blanket as I listen to "A Dream Within A Dream"  by Oren Lavie. Oh, the irony. (Look up the song by the way.) (It's a good one.)
I asked my mom, "Isn't this what everyone feels? Aren't you disappointed with the world?"
She said, "No. There's disappointments, but I never feel utterly uncomfortable and disappointed with reality itself. I'm sorry for you."
Why is she sorry? I haven't known any different. This is how I've lived for as long as I can remember. This is how I have lived as I watched my friends run away at recess from me when I was seven. This is how I have lived as I drew a picture in the third grade, only to find out someone was a better artist. This is how I have lived in my classes in school- in subjects that I'm actually good at (not math.) I write a story. Someone else gets a better grade. Sorry, I'm not social. Sorry, I won't share my work in class. Sorry, I actually don't care about the fame. Sorry, I couldn't give two s***s about this class. This is how I live while listening to "Styrofoam Plates" by Death Cab For Cutie, tastelessly wondering in my mind if I should give a cheesy love letter to some guy who would probably not care if I give it to him or not. (I'm slowly chewing the words in my mind: Would he think this letter was ridiculous?) This is my life. And I'm okay with it.
Actually, I'm not. Sorry, that complete sentence was a lie, too. Oops.
I crawled up into my frigid bedsheets tonight hoping someone (my imaginary boyfriend or something) would lay down beside me and let me rest my head on their chest. They would stroke my tangled brunette hair and kiss me on the forehead and trace my back with their fingers. No one came.
But, of course, no one came. It was all in my imagination. It is all in my imagination. I cried and my mom apologized for not understanding.
I told her I simply didn't see a point in living anymore. The clouds outside looked still and contrasted greatly with the emotional contractions my broken heart was feeling. I told her that I didn't think I could go on.
Last night, I walked to the edge of the woods around 11:30 PM. I was sitting on a dock by a lake and all my friends had gathered around and were cuddling with each other. All of a sudden, I didn't feel like hanging out with anyone. I didn't want anyone there. I didn't want anyone to cuddle and I didn't want anyone to talk to me. I said in a monotone that I was going to stand by the woods. No one followed. And they probably thought I didn't want anyone to follow. They might've not even known I was upset. And while I stood there looking at the pine trees silhouetted by a magnificent sea of stars above, I felt the familiar saltwater drip from my eyes onto my chapped lips. I didn't want someone to follow me or come up and tackle me from behind in an effort to cheer me up. I wanted someone to come hold me. I wanted someone to wrap me in their arms and tell me that they knew I was upset. They understood. They would come to me.
Yet, no one came.
Two of my friends came to me that night talking about their problems. How could they fix it?
"Can I talk to you about something?"
"Sure, what's going on?" I would say. I love helping people. I just wish someone could help me a little bit. It's strange because I feel that people feel a connection to me. They feel I understand them. I can help them see something from a new perspective. I think it makes them feel better. Yet, I've never felt truly understood by anyone. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because tiny, simple phrases like, "Your life is perfect," restrict me from saying what's going on in my life. I don't feel like my thoughts about me jumping into a stormy ocean and feeling my body get tangled by seaweed while I struggle for oxygen are a very good reply to someone's rant about their unfortunate life. I don't feel like I have the place to say that. I need to inspire. I need to uplift. I need to let them rant. It's not my place.
I'm constantly searching for that mysterious someone (doesn't have to be a guy) to come into my life, so I can actually talk and feel understood somewhat. So, I don't feel so disappointed.
But, while we're on the topic of guys, I've recently been thinking that maybe I'm not supposed to get married. I would like to, but I also feel like whenever a guy likes me they tell themselves, "Woah, she's awesome. Even if she doesn't like me back, we'll work out someday." Then, they leave. They realize I'm too complicated. They can't figure me out. They give up. I give up on myself. It's okay.  Again, I haven't lived a life any different. (That sounded really depressing. I'm sure I'll get married someday.) My sisters think I'm mean. My friends think I'm moody. My teachers think I'm quiet. I hate definitions.
And here I am sitting in my bed, picking feathers out of my only friend's head (spoiler: He's a stuffed dog named Beasley that I got when I was six.) and listening to "Song For You" by Alexi Murdoch. I'm writing this and I'm thinking.
My mom told me I shouldn't give up on life. She said that she knows what it's like to feel like the world would just be better off without you. (I mean, if I died right now, everyone would be initially sad. They would move on in life in a decade. They would not stay permanently depressed and I hope they would not stay permanently depressed.) She said there's people like me who see things differently. She hopes I'll find someone like that someday. I just don't understand. If I saw someone say that they wanted to go stand by the woods, I would follow them. I would make sure they were okay. I constantly feel shut down, because when I notice people are upset, they snap at me. I don't know what to do. I wouldn't do a lot of things that my friends do. I wish I was like Beasley. I wish I could just lay there like a sack of potatoes and feel someone pull feathers out of my hair. I wish someone could just pull my brain out of my ears.
I told my mom that at funerals people typically think: "I should've said (this) to her." "I should've gone on (this) trip with her." "I sure do miss her."
At funerals I think: "She would've really liked this." "She would've liked someone to go stand by the woods with her." "She would've liked someone to understand." "What would she have liked?"
What a pain it is to feel so much.

With Eyes Like The Tide

Here I sit on a rock in the town of Estes Park, Colorado listening to Phil Wickham. So good. But, also, new post:

I totally went adventuring last night with one of my best friends ever and it was awesome.
He suggested I create a post about our adventures last night, and so now here I am, and maybe he will read this. I'm not gonna tell him about it though, I'll just keep it a surprise.
So, we went to the golf course and went stargazing (the shooting stars and airplanes were magnificent last night) and talked about a whole bunch of stuff. Since he's graduating in a few weeks, it was sort of a bittersweet night with lots of talk about the future. Also, I have a knack for making everything slightly sad, so a conversation about our future was brought up, of course, by yours truly. We talked about love and God and blah blah blah and all that wonderful stuff I enjoy talking about. Hopefully, he enjoyed it, too.
So, I made a realization, too: I would probably be totally in love with him if he wasn't my best friend. He's literally one of the best people ever and is the sweetest and the nicest and we like all the same music and share all the exact same views on virtually everything and it's awesome because I can be my weird, socially awkward self and laugh at all the lame jokes I make and he'll laugh right along too and won't judge me for being such an insane psycho freak.
Alright so anyway I also posted this other thought on Facebook, but I will post it here again because why not-let's take chances:
So, ever since the glory days of seventh grade, I've had this reoccurring daydream of mine involving me chasing my "dream guy" through the woods. (I'm forever the hopeless romantic- sorry, I'm not sorry. Also, I really like the woods. Fun fact: I would like to have my wedding in the woods.) It was an awesome daydream, but then I realized: Why the heck am I chasing this guy through the woods? Society totally tells us that the guy should be chasing us. Right? We need to wait till he is desperately wanting us. So, my daydream evolved from me chasing the guy to the guy chasing me. Well, it has recently evolved into a different daydream. I've started thinking about things other than love and wondering, "Where the heck am I even running? I'm running through the woods aimlessly, without a path..."
So, now I've discovered where I am actually running. I'm running towards God. God is the ONLY thing that will ever give you that unconditional love that everyone craves. I feel sorry for the people who look for that love in other people. People constantly disappoint other people. People constantly disappoint me! So, I've decided to look for my love in God, because he will never disappoint, and he is the only one who will give me the love that I am looking for.
And guess what? When the time comes, I'll look around through the woods and see who's not running in front of me, not running behind me, but running beside me-running with me. And I'll marry that guy.
I mean he could be right in front of my face! I'm totally oblivious to everything, honestly. Or, he could be somewhere out there right now, creating adventures that he'll tell me about later. Because also, no one is right in front of my face right now except for a rock, so I can't technically marry someone who's right in front of my face, but you get the point. I'm gonna go back inside and continue listening to Mat Kearney, okay.

Also, enjoy this poem I wrote, like, last week for my creative writing class. I think the poem is okay, but that class seriously blows. It's not my favorite thing in the world. But here is the poem that I actually like okay:

With Eyes Like the Tide

Many instances I catch him standing there perpetual:
Hidden among the trees and the infinite grains of the sand and the waves roaring in.
His face sighs a million sighs,
His hands rest against the bark in the forest,
His very being is defeated in a hopeful sad.

He is there right now: perpetual,
As if the ceaseless boundaries of the past have no effect on him
And the ocean breeze could faze him in the very least.
If you approach him with a curious mood,
He will turn around with slight amusement on his face,
Shake your hand and say, "Hello, I'm Eli."
The melancholy smile on his face deceives his eyes
Which seem alight with a new sense of wonder.

Standing there with him,
I catch his eyes darting back and forth as if they're the only part of him speaking.
His mouth makes no motion, yet his thoughts are wild.
With eyes like the tide- a stormy grey-blue
And an expression that announces his limitless imagination,
He glances around at the waves that crash against the shore
And tells me, "The ocean reminds me of love."

He is a wonderful mystery.
The ability to understand him is a paradox,
Yet it's fairly easy to see him walking around at a carnival
Surrounded by unoriginal people.
What would he be doing there?
Just imagine him smiling wildly at the rain.
Just imagine him running through the woods.
Just imagine him painting the shoreline on canvas.

But today I catch him standing there perpetual:
He's standing illuminated in the distance between the infinite grains of the sand
And the waves roaring in.
His eyes cry a million tears,
His smile is infectious,
His very being presents himself as a new beginning.
"Today I've found my happiness," he says.

Story Time

Random story for you all:
I was talking with one of my dear friends the other day and she told me about when she first knew about this guy being in love with her. I thought I might share the story with you, because the way she described it was hilarious. She doesn't like the guy by the way. This is just a good story. I will try to tell you the story just as she told me:
My friend: "So, I first moved here and I was hanging out with my friends down at Six Flags and there was that one ride where you're in the ball thing and get flown up into the air. And you know, you like, spin around a million times. So, anyways, (the guy who likes her) wanted to go on that ride, and none of my friends wanted to go. And I barely knew this guy; I just moved here. So, I was like 'sure I'll go on that ride with you.' So I went. And while we were hurdling through the air, I looked over at him and I just knew. I just knew in that moment that, dear lord, he was in love with me."

Also, look up the song Come To Me by The Goo Goo Dolls. It's my favorite right now.

Temporary Home

Alright, so it was occurring to me on April 12, 2014 that I needed to write a blog about something that was making my insides feel a little bit heavy with melancholy. I spent my spring break in good old Kansas City visiting relatives (I actually really enjoy Kansas, even though it's a little dull. I associate it with good things.). It always makes my heart sing that I get to see my whole entire family, too. It's the best. I visited two colleges while I was there (William Jewell in Liberty, KS and College of the Ozarks in Branson, MO) and those were awesome, too. It made me start really thinking about the future (even though I am seriously future-oriented already) in an aspect that the future that I always dreamed of was now quickly becoming the present, and that the stories in my mind of what college would be like could actually come true in their own sort of way.
So, my family and I said farewell to Kansas City on April 12, 2014 (even though my sisters and I wanted to stay another day, but didn't, much to our dismay). April 13 promised snowstorms for Estes Park, CO and April 12 still looked promising when it came to snow, unfortunately. I expected to get snow on our way from KC to EP, and even more importantly, I was hoping for rain. I didn't see any rain the whole entire time in Kansas and I don't even know why the heck not. Rain is like April in precipitation form (if that makes any sense whatsoever). So, I was hoping for rain.
But, while I was on my way back "home" to Estes, it got me thinking. Estes doesn't even feel like home to me. It's a safe haven from all the bad things in cities if anything, but even that's not enough. It's not home. It made me sad to come home to an empty house without any people in it. It made me sad to think about going upstairs to my bed in my messy room and probably just turn on music (like, Mat Kearney or someone. By the way, I'm listening to his song "Breathe In, Breathe Out" right now. It's a good one. Check it out if you haven't listened to it.). It still makes me feel sad that I am sitting on my bed typing this right now listening to Mat Kearney and not feeling like this is really my home. It feels more like my home right now, but I will explain all of this later.
I felt like it was home in Kansas City. I felt happy. I felt happy sitting around at people's houses and I felt happy drinking iced tea and listening to nice acoustic music and I felt happy just being there, and being alive, and being hopeful.
This isn't to say that I absolutely hate Estes. Estes is beautiful, but I guess the blues of being an upper classman in high school is really starting to get to me and I'm really wanting to graduate. I want to live in that future I imagine and I want to take psychology classes at one of the schools I checked out and I want to eat crappy food and be busy with work and find my soulmate, etc etc etc. It's probably because right now, I just really want to find my home, since I don't feel like I have very many friends here and I honestly don't really care if I'm not in contact with anyone after I graduate. This being said, I probably will be in contact with people from high school after I graduate, because I will still miss them, and I'm just a teenager full of angst right now.
This is my conclusion: Home isn't a place. Home is wherever you feel the most love. Home is the people you love the most in the world. That's home.
And it all made sense to me, at least. When I arrived at my house in Estes Park, it didn't feel like home. That's because all my family was with me in the car and no one was in the house and there was nothing to look forward to inside. It's because all my relatives were in Kansas and they're my family and my friends and I felt happier with them and I felt like I was loved more there with everyone, than I am here. I have my mom and my dad and my three sisters, but I don't really have a whole bunch of other people in Estes who I can say I love and they love me back. I have, like, maybe five people. And it's okay, because I actually like being alone sometimes. People wear me outttttt, yo. And I like feeling sad sometimes, and I know it may sound weird, but I like feeling melancholy a lot. I feel like I write better and listen to better music. I'm more creative when I'm sad. But, that's all for another post, though.
Back to the point: I don't feel like I'm home here as much as I feel like I'm at home in Kansas, because there's more people that I love there. When I go to college, it won't feel like home, and when I'm in Estes visiting during college, it probably will feel more like home, because there's more people I love there, than when I'm in college. I think this cycle will go round and round for the majority of my life. I'll never feel at home wherever I live. I might feel at home when I get married and can go home to my husband everyday or something. I might feel at home when I visit Kansas City every spring break. I might feel at home when I visit my parents over Christmas break in college or something.
But, honestly, home will never be a place for me on this Earth ever. This is my temporary home, after all. I know I'll be in Heaven someday, and I know that's my true home, but for now, here I am- prone to wander endlessly on this temporary home, looking for a place where I belong that I'll never truly find.
But for now, I'll just go listen to Andy Grammer and watch The Perks of Being A Wallflower or something, because I'm exhausted after getting all my emotions out of me.
Cheers.

Don't Let It Break Your Heart

So, people can be jerks.
Like, there is absolutely no soft side to that.
Everyone can be a jerk sometimes. And maybe, if you're reading this, you're thinking of some friends that spontaneously are ignoring you and also making you feel like they're somehow trying to steal your other really good friends away from you (people you've known longer than they have. Also, these ignorant friends are what I'm thinking of right now, and no, I really could care less if they read this and get offended.) Or, you might be thinking of your ex boyfriend or something who is seriously the biggest jerk face ever right now, or maybe your family who just doesn't make an effort to understand your situation right now, or maybe some guy that just shattered your heart into a million scattered pieces.
You aren't alone. And I know that's so cliche, but it's nice to be reminded of every once in a while.
My points:
1. Don't forget about yourself, take care of yourself, but don't become self-centered and end up trying to purposely hurt people in the process (I've been on both sides of the spectrum- both sides are no fun)
2. Our life is made up of an infinite number of choices. Try to make the one that you believe would be a "win-win" situation. It helps me, at least.
3. If you feel you're trying to make an effort to stay in someone's life, but they're acting like an absolute insane psycho freak, and probably ignoring you or being really mean and hurting you- hold that freaking door open for them. (It doesn't matter what they're situation is. If you're trying to help and mend the situation and they don't want it, just leave. It's the lousy truth, and even I have major problems living by it, but you gotta let those people go, if they've let you go. Don't look back.)

Ok, so let's look more into these three major points that hopefully will help you guard your heart a little more. It's nice to love everyone, and I truly believe we should love everyone! Even those people who are insane psycho freaks or your annoying little brother or your best friend or the druggie that lives down the street- we should love everyone.
Ok, so...
1. You can't forget about yourself, sweetheart! Now, for me personally, I feel like I am the most absolute self-centered person there ever was. I often find myself saying before a sentence: "This is gonna sound so selfish, but..."
However, you absolutely can't forget about how you're feeling. Don't keep holding onto things that are harming you more than they're helping you. I know it's hard, and if you find yourself on the side of ignoring someone because they're hurting you, then do whatever you have to do to live a happier life. But I would strongly, strongly advise to let them know what they did wrong, especially if they are trying to make an effort to see what they did wrong and mend the relationship. Don't keep ignoring them. You're hurting them as much as they might be hurting you, and that is no good, and then it turns into selfishness. Nobody needs more of that drama. Honestly, I've tried to be hurtful and ignore people (like ex-boyfriends, people who said something mean, etc.).
It's nice to just let it go! Forgive them! Talk to them! Life will be so much happier! I've discovered this, as well, in my few years so far on this earth.
2. Try to make the choices that you believe are right from the bottom of your heart. You can still have fun without shooting up heroin. Try to find a situation that will be beneficial to both people in a relationship (this goes for dating, friendships, family, etc.)
3. And also, if you are trying to stay in someone's life, because you want to be there for them, and they're your friend, boyfriend, etc. but they are absolutely not talking to you or being absolute jerk faces (again, I've been a jerk face and a person trying to reach out before), then give them distance. For example,  I was ignoring one of my best friends, because I was heartbroken over something they did- it was an idiotic reason why I was mad at them, by the way- and I just wasn't really talking to him. Apparently, he was asking all around about me, making sure I was okay, and would come and check up on me every so often. Of course I was being such a jerk face (I feel awful about it), but finally we ended up talking again and now we are just as close as we ever were. I couldn't do it anymore, I had to talk to him- I feel absolutely awful if I feel like I'm hurting someone or did something bad- and he just said, "I know you seemed sorta bothered by something, and I just decided to give you some distance." I really respected that. He's a really great guy, and I knew he would still be there for me, even though I did need some distance.
Let them know you will be there for them. If they are completely trying to cut you off or trying to make you feel bad, then just let them go completely. That's it, really.

But, don't let this break your heart. I believe God lets certain people come into other people's lives at certain times- and maybe those people stay there forever, or maybe they leave, but these people all teach us something: what it's like to love another person. And then another. And then another.
And if people are making you feel bad or misunderstood, or you just can't understand someone or they're really hard to read (I know I'm probably like that), then realize that everyone's circumstances aren't any better or any worse than any others. Your mom may be schizophrenic, and another person's life may seem perfect, but that's no reason for telling that other person that their life is perfect. It's like telling someone they can't be happy, because someone else in the world just saw their family for the first time or got married. That's stupid, no offense. Everyone has something that's hurting them.
And don't let stupid people or hurtful people break your happiness.
Don't let it break your heart.

Everybody Feels A Little Crazy

So, I was thinking today (and I'll try not to post something, like, everyday because I know that it could probably get annoying), but I am posting something now, so that's all that matters. Ha.
Okay...so,
I know for me, personally, I think that I am the only crazy person on this Earth. Or, I have this constant fear that no one understands me, or when I say something, people just look at me strangely and they think, "Wow, Hannah, that makes no sense."
I look at people and think, "Wow, that didn't really make sense to me, but if I speak up and say something, it might hurt their feelings or everyone else will actually get what they're saying, and so I'll come across as being stupid."
Being stupid is a constant fear of mine. And I know I'm not an idiot, it's just sometimes I think that people think I'm sort of ditzy or awkward or socially unaware.
But, I remember I'm not the only person who feels this way sometimes.
Everyone always says, "Oh, don't feel bad when people point out how you say things weird or point out your insecurities. It just means they're insecure, themselves."
I think there's some truth to that, I just also think there's a whole lot more to it than that.
I think people just say that because for some people it could:
a.) just be a fact to them. They don't know any better. They could say, "Oh hey, Hannah, you look like a druggy child from the '70's," or "Hannah, you always are so out of it." So, of course, in my mind it makes me feel like I look like Janis Joplin's twin or I always am so "out of it" that I come across as being stupid. I overthink and I overthink and I overanalyze and I overthink. However, what they're saying is merely a fact to them. I take it so personally, but they don't really think anything of it. They aren't trying to be mean, they're just saying a logical fact. So, a happy medium would be them careful on what they're saying to me, and me not thinking much of it when they say I look like a heroin addict.
b.) some people are actually wildly insecure. And I feel so bad for those people that have to be mean or say mean things or cheat or do something hurtful to feel better about themselves. And in the long run, it doesn't even matter, because the only thing that will make you feel better (or at least from what I've figured out for me), is that if I make people feel happier, then it will make me feel better. So, get up and don't be a freaking psycho and go apologize to whoever you were mean to. I've been mean, you've been mean, we have all been mean. Face it. Humans are inherently selfish.
So, anywho, I feel like I don't have anything together. I feel like I look at all my friends and think, "Wow, they have better grades and can drive and are getting their projects done and have a ton of more friends than me," but in all actuality, we are all stuck. We're all drifting through the undertow, thrashing through the riptide, looking at people and thinking, "Wow, they look good everyday- I wish I could look like that." or "Wow, she really seems to have her life together. She's so happy all the time."
EVERYONE DOES THIS. Or at least everyone I've ever talked to does this. Everyone admires someone or looks up to someone or wants to be like someone.
It's just natural.
And everyone can be a little mean.
And everyone can feel a little crazy.
I was listening to "Another Story" by The Head and the Heart (I've known this song for a while, don't get me wrong-it's really great by the way, you should look it up.), and I was listening to the lyrics:
"everybody feels a little crazy
but we go on living with it."
This is very true. When I look at my friends, I think I'm crazy and that they have their lives together.
But you have to realize someone looks at you and thinks, "Wow, she's awesome. She has her life together. I feel crazy."
And the melancholy (yet comforting) solution to this rant is this: We're all screwed up.

Oh Hello, I Didn't See You There

And if I'm being completely honest, I probably seriously didn't see you there. I could write a lame, cheesy introduction right now, and say who I am and what I am actually doing here, but I'm not going to because that would be lame and cheesy. 

I often find myself lost in thought. The typical math class daydreams develop, or even the awkward "accidentally staring at someone in an airplane because my eyes just blankly started looking that way" always happens. I randomly find myself thinking, "Hmmm, I should write about that." And I try to! I meet someone and think, "Wow, you would be a really interesting character in a book." or, "Wow, the way you sip your chai tea- I think that's hot." And with most people, they probably would respond like, "Hannah, you are so weird." or "Uh...Thanks?" When I actually tell you, "Woah, I like chai tea, too," I'm probably actually thinking, "Wow, the way you sip your chai tea- I think that's hot. The way your lips curl around the edges of the mug is so fantastic and the steam from the beverage is making your gray eyes look like an ocean on a stormy day and I could see us frolicking through a field or forest somewhere with The Lumineers playing in the background as we hold hands and skip off into our hopeful infinity somewhere where rainbows will shine down on our youthful heads and we can talk about God and philosophy and our views on why To Kill A Mockingbird is actually a really great book."

However, if you know anything about me, I will actually not tell you these things. I think about everything, I just rarely say anything. And it's not that I'm a quiet person (I have thoughts bouncing off the deepest caverns of my mind), it's just that I don't share the same affinity with you involving small talk and pointless, stupid jokes. 

This is probably why I sort of hate high school. I really genuinely like people, don't get me wrong. I think people are precious. I genuinely think that everyone has something good about them (with the exception of Hitler). I hate it when people get down about themselves. Like when my friends say, "Oh, I'm never gonna find love, I'm so ugly," I feel genuinely bad for them. Like, they've had more kisses and relationships than I have, but it's like I've come to the realization that I'll find someone someday (or I'm at least comfortable living with the fantasy of my perfect guy), and so I realize I'll find someone out there who will be my best friend and love me like crazy. However, my friends haven't come to this realization yet, and are stuck on the fact that they're "ugly" or "too paranoid." Well heck, if Hitler had a girlfriend, you are more than likely to find love! They need to get a freaking grip on their priorities. 

And I'm not trying to bash them for what they're saying, I just think their mind process is a little bit screwed. Personally, anyone who knows me would tell me I'm a hopeless romantic, and I agree with them. I LOVE love. However, I'm not a hopeless case. I really want to be with some guy someday and live in a loft in Seattle with brick walls and paint stupid pictures and talk about nothing and everything and what work is like and if we'll spend Christmas with his family that year and then I could make him cereal or something stupid and we could watch Bones or some other show on the TV and we could talk about the beach house we'll be buying in Oregon or California and we could cuddle and drink wine and do absolutely and virtually whatever and listen to "Charlie Brown" by Coldplay really loudly in our car and kiss at the movie theater like teenagers do. Clearly, I seem to have this all planned out.
However, I really suck at planning and financial things, so I've also concluded that the guy I'm going to marry should probably be okay with planning and financial things.
Everyone who ever meets me says, "Oh Hannah, you'll marry someone just like you." Ha. Ha. NO. You all are idiots. If I married someone who was just like me, it would be a screwed up bipolar love, do you not realize I'm moody enough already? I'll probably find someone who likes the same things as me, but I'll find someone with a slightly different personality type, so my husband and I don't end up becoming hobos on the streets of New York eating frozen yogurt out of a dumpster or something.
Okay, so now I'm getting off track.
Some things you may want to know about me:

• My full name is Hannah Elizabeth Rose Baker. I don't particularly like my name. Hannah Baker is, like, the most generic name EVER. Also, everyone used to tease me (and sometimes people still do) because my name is the same as the girl in 13 Reasons Why who committed suicide. In eighth grade, people really thought I was depressed, probably because everyone read that book and I was really quiet and didn't talk to anyone, because everyone in middle school reeks of hormones and is extremely judgmental, so they just assumed I was depressed. Depression is a horrible, horrible thing, and I don't mean to get off track again, but I've been depressed, so if you're ever depressed, you could really just talk to me and I'll be there to talk with you, even if you're anonymous or we don't really know each other. I can try to help :)
• I don't even see the point of putting my age here, but I'm in high school currently, so that's "exciting."
• The last cool movie I saw was Across The Universe, and it's such a good movie! It's sort of trippy and artsy, I guess, but it's really great. I'm actually listening to a song from the soundtrack right now. 
• I have brown hair that is naturally curly (as in unmanageable, mountain man hair, not perfect Tumblr girls' "curly" hair, thank you very much!) and I'm currently on this rampage where I've been straightening it. I realize it might be ruining my curls a little bit, but you try living with my hair for one day. I also have blue eyes that I have managed to like okay. 
• If you are interested in psychology, I will tell you my Myers-Briggs type is INFP. I will post more on that later, or you can look that up, if you're more interested in what my personality is like. It's a pretty spot on description of myself, so if you want...
• I am clearly much better at describing myself through writing than I am verbally, so there's that. 
• I hate it when people try to define me. Like, I'm sort of a paradox in that way, because I take such comfort in reading about the description of an INFP and being like, "Oh dear lord, look! I relate!" except if you tell me "Oh Hannah, you aren't rebellious at all," or "Hannah, stop being antisocial," then I will most likely break contact with you for a while or become extremely distant or have visions of me punching you in the face and then crying about it all in my room for a while. This has happened for quite a few of my friends and me in the past few years. I'm not trying to be antisocial, it's just I DON'T LIKE THE SMALL TALK AND POINTLESS CONVERSATIONS THAT TEENAGERS ALL SEEM TO HAVE THESE DAYS. Like, sometimes, it's okay, but really, if I want to talk to you about something serious, don't laugh it off. Come on now, don't be immature. 
• I've seen The Fray, U2, Anarbor, Me Like Bees, William Beckett, Never Shout Never, Matt and Kim, Passion Pit, Breathe Carolina, Sleeping With Sirens, A Boy and His Kite, The Oh Hello's, and Mod Sun all in concert. I <3 music. 
• I really don't know what else to put here. I'm 5'7". I play the bass guitar (although I sort of suck). I write a lot of stories (although I don't like my creative writing class). My fingernails are a neon yellow right now and I have a pair of red Toms that are in front of me right now. I have a Basset Hound named Moses who is the cutest, dumbest thing ever. He's a spaz. I'm listening to Foster The People's Supermodel right now and have plans to go watch Moonrise Kingdom later tonight. I really enjoy Wes Anderson's films.