Wow, what a title, am I right? I think I'm adapting to my (hopeful) future as a psychologist very well. I love talking about feelings! I love talking about what people are thinking! I love it!
Okay, but realistically, I can't necessarily sum up how I've been feeling currently.
I've gotten into the Enneagram very recently, and if you don't know what that is, it's a personality test developed by Oscar Ichazo and Claudio Naranjo who took inspiration from the teachings of George Gurdjieff and ultimately created this test that contains nine different personalities and 18 subtypes. What I love about it is that it really promotes growth. Don't get me wrong, I love the Myers-Briggs and will probably be typing people by their MBTI type for the rest of my life, but I feel like the Ennegram is a personality test that almost encourages trying to be balanced in every personality type. Obviously, no one is really completely balanced and that's why when you take it, you get a subtype (I'm a 4w3, where my 4w3s at?? Also, it's such a 4w3 thing to have a blog and talk about my feelings and hope to have a bunch of people read this, right? If you know what I'm talking about). Anyway, I love it.
https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test-2 <----- if you want to take it, here's a link to a test online that I like! Comment what you get!
I'm here today to primarily talk about my frustration with my personality and also talk about my observations of the world, as of recently.
I've thought about my personality a lot, and other people's personalities a lot, for as long as I can remember. Studying psychology and criminal justice, I have been exposed to even more personality assessments than I can imagine and it's been wonderful and terrible all at once. I reassess myself over and over again. My MBTI is INFP (although my family would argue INFJ, but I know statistically speaking, I'm way more likely to be an INFP. I could be an INFJ, I really don't know). My Enneagram is 4w3 (which I've grudgingly accepted, although I briefly thought I was a 6w7). I'm an oldest child (and birth order is actually super fascinating to look at in terms of personality). My temperament is phlegmatic (which I'm really unsure about. I could also see melancholy - still trying to figure that one out. Like literally, if someone tells me what to do, I'm literally so likely to do the opposite for the sake of individuality and just because I'm stubborn. It seems like a very anti-phlegmatic thing to do, but maybe blame it on my Enneagram type?)
Did that sound like random psychology wordiness? Because you're right, it is.
The point is, is that I've realized what a wonderful thing it is that I'm very unique and also very similar to others at the same time. It's likely someone else shares all the above testing results as I do. (And if you do, please let me know, because we'll either be best friends or I'll see you as competition, I'm just being real).
I've thought a lot about my likes and dislikes and just who I am as a person. Every college-aged adult goes through this. It's a very important time in our lives. I hope I'm not adding to the stress that all of us early-20 somethings are already under, honestly. But it is a very important time in our lives, in terms of figuring out who we are - sometimes it's scary, but I've enjoyed my time figuring out myself. I came to terms with the fact I fit in as a 4w3 more than any other type through a few things. (And I know the Enneagram obviously doesn't describe my whole entire personality, but it really helped me get a handle on my personal life recently).
A little snapshot of me: my self-esteem fluctuates like no other. Some days I wake up thinking I am the coolest person here to save humanity and lead people into some kind of utopia, and other days I wake up feeling like a worm on the ground constantly replaying old embarrassing moments from my middle school days. From what I've read, this actually isn't an unusual way to feel for me and my fellow 4w3s. It's almost like the constant longing to be absolutely unique and belong with everyone and get along with everyone at the same time.
The truth is I'm just trying to figure out how to like myself better. I'm trying to figure out how to love other people more. I've been called "weird" before. Like not an endearing "weird", but like a genuine "'You're just a weird person' and then that other person stops talking to me" kind of "weird". I've been called "quiet" in a way that was supposed to put me down. I've been told I should smile more over and over again. And honestly, all that still kind of hurts when I think about it. I still honestly dislike the people who have hurt me. And if you are that person, you probably don't know I don't like you. Maybe you do. But I also think I do a very good job looking more put together than I actually feel inside. I've always had problems crying in front of people, and would much rather put on a strong, "everything is a-okay", calm vibe in front of people. I automatically will go to that in every hurtful situation. But the truth is, I am weird. I'm a 21 year old woman who has never really liked children (even as a child), likes reading true crime novels, still listens to pop punk, and marriage has never been a huge ideal for me. And that's okay! It's been hard being a young Christian female saying "Yeah, I don't like kids that much and I don't really care if I get married anytime soon" because I think that's not the norm. I do have friends who feel the same way. And I do have a boyfriend who I love very much. But again, I never grew up playing "House" or anything and I didn't even like other kids when I was, like, 8. And I am quiet. And I am stoic and don't smile that much. But heck, if I am going into the field I'm wanting to go into, it's a blessing from God that I'm quiet and stoic because if a prisoner is telling me how he murdered someone, that's when I'll be thanking God that he gave me the best poker face around.
But I'm still learning to like myself. I wish I was better with kids. And I'm sure if I have kids someday, I'll be good with them. I wish I was slightly more extroverted. But I'm also so grateful for God making me the way He did. If He has a plan for my life that involves the field I'm going into, then He really knew what He was doing by making me the way I am.
But all this got me thinking more.
I'm grateful for feeling angry at people who have hurt me. I tend to get mad at myself for holding grudges (and I'm still working on letting them go), but I've also learned to embrace what I'm feeling. I'm not supposed to be perfect. I can feel angry. I can also feel shame. I can feel embarrassment (it knocks down my pride, especially on those days where I feel like God's gift to humanity). I can feel indifference. I can feel fear. What a blessing! I can feel grief. I can feel sadness. I can feel excitement. I can feel relaxation walking my dog around the neighborhood. I can feel nostalgia when I'm reconnected with old friends and we're driving around reminiscing about the old times. I can feel awkwardness when I'm getting coffee with someone and the last time we saw each other, we ended on a bad note. I can feel happiness at a concert and seeing everyone shout the same lyrics to the same song. I can feel wonder while looking at the ocean and remembering that us humans barely know anything about it. I can feel peace when I feel God's presence when I'm singing worship. I can feel anger at the guy that told me I was "weird" or the people who don't like me because they just don't understand me. I can feel the warmth that comes with forgiveness or realizing hanging out with someone you thought disliked you is actually super fun. I can feel everything I want to feel. I can feel it all to the fullest extent.
I remember being in a Starbucks restroom late at night a couple weeks ago. They had Mat Kearney playing on the radio and his songs were echoing off the bathroom stalls in a way that made everything seem dream-like. His song "Changes" was playing and as someone who doesn't do well with a lot of change, I felt like it was a good way to embrace the new year. My younger sister is at a college a couple states away. I have started my senior year. I'll never take another math, English, history, or biology class ever again. It feels kind of sad, but also exciting. And I'm doing exactly what I love. I'm not going to be working with young kids (most likely) (depends on the circumstance). I'm not going to be a doctor. I'm taking Terrorism in the 21st Century, Crime Theories, Corrections Systems, Psychology and the Law, and Social Psychology this semester. For my last semester, I might be taking Blood Splatter Analysis, Clinical Psychology, a grad level Child Maltreatment course, and some other Criminal Justice class of my choosing. And I feel hopeful. Everything is changing. And I can feel uncomfortable with that.
It is a blessing to feel so much. To just exist and feel. To just breathe in the mountain air when I go home for the weekend and to be reminded of God's promises. I'm so grateful.
And I hope that you can take something away from this, too. We're all flawed. We all are deep wells of human emotion and we can feel anything we want to. I still feel uncomfortable about some things that I don't even think I should feel about anymore. But we have to give ourselves grace. We can mess up, and if you're anything like me, you hate messing up and you hate disappointing. But we can take heart! Every day is a new day. We don't have to always choose to put our positive feelings ahead of our negative ones or put on a strong face in front of others. We should always take into account how we're feeling when we're making decisions (but don't make decisions based on those feelings alone). We should chew up our feelings, really try to taste them and understand why we feel the way we feel. And you should enjoy being alive, while you are. Even if you haven't done anything today. Enjoy the feeling of air entering your lungs. Enjoy the way your body feels pressed against your bed. Enjoy the way a pencil feels in your hand. As for me, I'm enjoying listening to my music and typing on my laptop. I have a class at 5 and I had a lab meeting with my psych lab this morning. I'm excited to eat some white chocolate when I get home from class and take a hot shower. It's the simple things, folks. I'd encourage all of us (including myself) to feel grateful for your ever-changing emotions and day-to-day life. We're all still here on this planet. And that's kind of magical.
