Until We Get There

The title of this post is named after a Lucius song that I discovered today while watching a super good New Girl episode. I was actually going to go stargazing tonight with me, myself and I, but moments of inspiration strike at sometimes the most inconvenient moments, so I am staying here and writing this post.
Today is July 16th and I am officially and finally an adult since yesterday. Go me.
But if we're being honest here, my fear of growing up is in full swing right now. I feel my heart drop every time I think about living by myself and potentially getting married and having kids and I don't want to waste my life away. (Not that that is wasting your life away at all! It will happen to me. I feel it.) But, on this awkward journey of self discovery that I've been on since the ripe age of six and a half years old, I've realized I am deathly afraid of completely committing myself to one thing. I don't want to be in a relationship even though I've told myself to keep on the lookout for my soulmate (Do I really want that?) and I'm kinda afraid to go off to college and get a major and just get a job (So fun, so fun.) and I honestly just wanna listen to Blink-182 and go back to last night where I was at my favorite band's concert at Red Rocks ON MY BIRTHDAY and listen to my favorite song "Soul Meets Body" on repeat until my emotions are completely numb. I fantasize more about falling into a trance with the smell of booze and people surrounding me, listening to depressing indie rock tunes, rather than actually marrying some guy and living in some house somewhere in America probably.
I don't even know what has changed.
And I feel a little weird because life is happening all so fast and I just kind of want it to all slow down. I honestly feel like I have two friends in this small town outside of my own family and while that is totally fine, it does get a little lonely. Even as a self-described introvert, I really enjoying making connections with a wide variety of people. But I am so freaking insignificant. While I was listening to the beautiful, melancholy lyrics of "No Room In Frame" by Death Cab,
"Was I in your way
When the cameras turned to face you?
No room in frame
For two
How can I stay
In the sun
When the rain flows all through my veins
It's true
And I guess it's not a failure we could help
And we'll both go on and get lonely with someone else",
I thought to myself, I am surrounded by a million gazillion people and we're all stupidly just thinking about ourselves. I don't honestly believe we will every meet or be a selfless person. We are all inherently selfish and thinking of ourselves, ultimately. If we think we're being genuinely selfless, purely selfless, we're cheating ourselves. At least, this is how I see it.
"Let me help you and let me ask you about yourself, because I know by being nice to you, I'll feel better about myself."
"If you're nice to the other person being mean to you, you'll have the upper hand."
LOL. With this in mind, we should all try to be nicer people though. I mean, I challenge you to try to do that. If we all looked at ourselves instead of pointing fingers and all looked at our own nasty sin we carry around, I bet we'd all be a lot nicer.
I know that I am one person, and I know not everyone will read this, and I know even the people I care about the most will probably not read this and I know there will be some people I've never even talked to before who will read this, but if my writing could ever just help one person, then I would feel satisfied.
It's kinda hypocritical that I'm saying that, because I just ranted about how self-centered we are, and I know that I'm super self-centered myself, but... I know that one random little act of kindness can go a long way.
So whether I find myself in New York City in a rad, little loft, or France on some crazy trip for my job, or in my beloved future beach house on the West Coast of the USA, I hope I learn to be a little more selfless. Genuinely. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I've discovered I'm only afraid because I've only always been worried about my own problems.
"But what if I waste my life away?"
"But what if I don't end up where I want to be?"
"What if I find out my friends don't actually love me as much as I love them?"

Well, that's life.
What a crazy concept- to love another person as much as you love yourself.