Beauty In The Way of Things

Sorry it's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted on here. I am actually typing this up on my phone because my laptop logged me out and won't let me log back in?? (So weird, right? I'll figure that out soon.) But I've had an incredible amount of feelings in the last four months or so.
I'll set the mood real quick: go find yourself somewhere comfy to sit, make yourself some nice vanilla tea and listen to Gregory and the Hawk or Sufjan Stevens for me if you're reading this.

Here I am. It's January of my freshman year of college and I still have the same hopes and dreams as I used to this time last year: I'd like to publish a book and get a beach house in California and get married in the woods and have a nice drink with Bono someday, and hey, a girl can dream. A lot of things have changed about me, however, and I can recognize this. My "change" game is hella strong.

Last semester was kind of a time of reflection for me. I had to learn to forgive myself for some past issues and I had to learn to come to terms with my past in Colorado without romanticizing the past too much. Being the sentimental old soul I am, I ended up romanticizing the actual heck out of the past.
Last semester was kind of a lonely time for me, as well. I felt like I didn't really have friends. I mean, I have friends at college (don't worry), but my friendships weren't at the ideal level of depth I wanted them to be. Logically, I know that this takes time. But I absolutely hate logic for the most part and all I could think about were my past friends in Colorado and how fun and rad my adventures were with them and how incredible my life was.
Thinking like this is actual crap. Never do it.
I've also been struggling with showing my vulnerabilities and I think this roots from a deep sense of insecurity within me. I want people to think I have my life all together and that I'm cheery and on top of things because I don't want to burden them or make them want to leave me due to my brooding emotions and moodiness. At risk of sounding like a completely moody and angsty teenager in this next sentence, I'd like to start by saying that I am okay and I've forgiven myself and others for what happened in the past and all is well with my soul. But, there's been a select few number of people I've considered my best friends at some point in time and about half of those people have left me after I showed them my vulnerabilities and it's broken my heart, so that's probably why I'm reluctant.

And it's a process. I still need to work through this certain part of me, but I also know that this shows that I actually am a deep and caring person and I care A LOT about relationships with other people (probably good I'm a psychology major then). I'm just trying to find the silver lining, to be honest.

When I finally went home to the great state of Colorado for Christmas Break, I didn't see a lot of people. I hung out with my family for a lot of break and I saw some people only once or twice and it was okay.
I had also made this plan for myself to go through my journals from the past few years (I've been writing every night starating my sophomore year of high school). (I also write some random "song for the day" thing in all my entries). I was going to go through my journals and pick out the certain songs that helped describe my year. Well, I ended up reading a lot of my entries as well and I realized the past just wasnt as good as I thought it was.

It was just life.
It was up and down.
It was good and bad.
It wasn't something to be romanticized, just like people aren't something to be romanticized.
Remember that. For me.

It is so vital to live in the present. It is so much more hopeful here. God is taking real good care of you, my friend.

And so, this life goes on.