Helloooo from my birthday month. Incredible.
I always get so stoked during July because I just really love the summer, and I really love that I'm able to celebrate my birthday in the summer. Anywho, this might be my last post for a while unless I really feel like writing something, but I almost have the feeling my time on this blog is coming to a close for now. As you've probably noticed, I've been writing really infrequently over the past few years. Usually, I only post something once a year, so it's pretty wild I posted something back in March and now I'm posting again!
Obviously, I enjoy writing (definitely my strong suit in school), and if anyone knows me, they know I write in a journal nearly every night and have been for the past eight years. It's been very therapeutic if anyone wants to know. I'd highly recommend it. I've found it's especially useful for taking charge of my emotions and writing them down in a concise, conclusive way. I've also been thinking of taking on a new little project sometime in the near future, so maybe I'll post some updates about that here, but overall, I may not be posting as much here and I think that's okay. This blog has been good, but I'm also okay with retiring it for a little while.
If you've been reading these since the very beginning, let me know! I so enjoy seeing who takes the time to read these. It feels nice :) And if you have been reading these since like 2013 (?) when I started this, thank you for sticking with me all these years and reading my ramblings. And I hope you learned something/felt understood/resonated with something I said. Thank you for enjoying these posts in whatever way you enjoyed them.
1. I got accepted to the University of Denver!!! For their MA Forensic Psychology program. So, that post from a few months ago where I said I really just wanted to walk to my stats class in the snow while holding a hot cup of chai and then go home to my apartment with my sister in the city is actually going to come true (Cue "Manifest" by Andrew Bird). I feel very blessed to be able to start at DU in their program, whether that looks like the program may be online for a little while (thanks, COVID) or if it's not entirely what I expected. I truly feel like Denver is where I'm supposed to be for the next few years.
My whole entire interview process at DU was simultaneously one of the scariest and most exciting moments in my life so far. I really look back and see God's hand through it all - down to me feeling like I should pray for discernment so that the DU professors could see me for me and see if I was a good fit for the program. And I carried that on to my one-on-one interview - where I talked about my favorite album (Plans by Death Cab for Cutie) all the way to The Screwtape Letters. I barely mentioned anything about forensic psych, which is just so interesting in itself.
If you have questions concerning the GRE, applying for grad school, interviewing for a program, or just want more details on my whole experience there, please reach out.
2. I've recently been going through a whole new thing in my spiritual life. (And by recently, I mean, probably since the beginning of undergrad, but I only have a word for it now). I don't particularly like organized religion. Am I a Christian? Definitely. I think the root of this is that I don't do well in Christian groups. I find it extremely difficult to make friends in a setting where there is a large amount of Christian people. I find it all to be very exclusive and "cookie-cutter" and disingenuous. I always end up feeling isolated and left out and forgotten. I recognize I tend to label myself as a "black sheep" if I feel isolated by even a few people, but I think there's something deeper than that. I went from private Christian school for my first year of undergrad to working at a Christian summer camp to coming home to the church I grew up in and the feelings were all the same. In no way is this calling out any of these organizations, but I do think this is something to address. I grew up feeling very comfortable in my church in Estes, and I still feel a sense of familiarity whenever I go there. But, after hearing outside perspectives of other Christian people who did not grow up in that same environment, I've come to the conclusion that large Christian organizations can feel very isolating. I'm no theologian or scholar or pastor, but I don't believe the church is supposed to be isolating in any way. I've always been very attentive of groups that may feel isolated from churches, or even isolated from the "norm" or majority. The church needs to feel like a welcome, warm place for people who feel unwanted in other places. The church should make everyone feel wanted because God wants everyone to know Him. God does not favor one person over the other. God is love. So, it's been very hard for me as a young, white Christian female to feel excluded through various Christian groups. If I'm excluded, then what chance does the single mother have? What chance does the formerly incarcerated person have? What place do those struggling with mental illness have in the church? Where is the space for those struggling with an addiction? For a woman who has had an abortion? For the kid in the foster system? What space is there for them?
And this bugs me, too. A church could say, "Oh, this person is part of our congregation, they are part of this group." But, how does that individual person feel? Are we truly taking into account their individual experiences? Because my first college could say, "Oh, yes, Hannah is part of this because she goes here." That's not enough. That's a surface-level relationship at best. It shakes me that even if someone is a part of a church, they may feel looked down or isolated or like something is irreparably wrong with them. In many ways, we've failed the minority.
My relationship with God has waxed and waned in various ways throughout my undergrad, but I'm okay with it because it's a relationship. If I always felt I was on good terms with God, then how deeply do I know Him?
Struggles and struggling with my feelings toward the Christian population (at least from what I've observed in the USA) has made me rely on God more, so ultimately I feel like I'm in a pretty harmonious place with Him right now. I also recognize that people have different places in the church. We all have different callings. But, I'm becoming increasingly more aware this is more of my calling. I mean, I'm going into forensic psychology. I'm literally going to be working with the incarcerated population for my career. I also know I am extremely aware of people who may feel isolated and that's a blessing that came out of me constantly feeling rejected and like I was weird or quirky throughout my whole childhood and adolescence.
I'm open to conversation about this - wherever you stand with Christianity; whether you know God or you're an atheist or agnostic or you found Christ recently, I'm always open to conversation.
3. Moving on :) Recently, I've been going through a bit of a heartbreak, and I won't get into details here, but if you truly want to know, definitely reach out. I can talk about my feelings for ages. I've been praying a lot about it. I just care super deeply for people, so when a relationship ends, it always takes a huge toll on me. Moving on is no easy feat for me. In many ways, I feel like I've failed the relationship. I've had to remind myself God is sovereign and God can fix a relationship and He has many times. And I cannot save people. Only God can save them. So, truthfully, I think the best thing I could do is just pray. For myself, for them, for good things to come in their life. For me, it's interesting, because I don't really have any hard feelings toward the person, but I do feel hurt. And I'm still working through that. And it's okay if it takes time. Do I want the relationship to mend? I really would. But, I also know these things take time. And if the relationship doesn't ever mend, I have to trust it's for the best and that's also okay, too. But, I just have to give it up to God and let it go. (And if you're the person I'm talking about and you're reading this because there might be a chance you're reading this, heyyy what's good - listen to the Glass Animals' new song, I think you'll like it).
All this to say, I was testing God recently about some kinda new relationships in my life developing and the people in my life right now. To be completely vulnerable, I really didn't trust that God was fully there for me, until my friend pointed out that we always know God is with us even if we can't necessarily feel his presence. I mean, I look around during my runs around the lake and during my hikes with friends and I feel the cool wind on my face before a thunderstorm and I see the clouds that cover the mountains in the national park and I see the deer that take shelter underneath a tree during a hot, hot day and that's enough beauty in itself. That's enough for me.
And I started applying that to my relationships. The only relationship that truly matters in the scheme of things is my relationship with God - it takes the pressure off of feeling isolated by people, it takes the pressure off of mending relationships immediately, it provides a comfort and security. But these blessings of friends that I take for granted more often than not - friends I've had for years and years, friends that hold me accountable and are truthful and know my worth and value, I take for granted. More recently, I've been feeling an abundance of gratitude for the relationships in my life. I don't have a lot of friends. But, it all feels so fulfilling. If God is the only relationship that we need to feel fulfilled, he's sent these wonderful friends to me so we can be in each other's lives and enjoy each other's company. They're just little bonus relationships and that's pretty wholesome. And that's enough for me.
One of my favorite songs, "Old Friends" by Pinegrove has lyrics that say,
"Walking out in the night-time springtime
Needling my way home
I saw Leah on the bus a few months ago
I saw some old friends at her funeral
My steps keep splitting my grief
Through these solipsistic moods
I should call my parents when I think of them
Should tell my friends when I love them
Maybe I should have gone out a bit more
And you guys are still in town
I got too caught up in my own shit
It's how every outcome is such a comedown
I knew it when I saw it
I did just what I wanted
So I go through with this
I knew happiness when I saw it"
A couple months ago, I took a spontaneous trip to Mt. Rushmore with two of my sisters and my mom. We drove up through Wyoming and then to South Dakota, and overall, it was a fun, little day-trip. On the way back, we were on a county road traveling towards Cheyenne to merge onto I-25 and eventually make our way back through Fort Collins and then to Estes Park - to our house on Olympus Lane.
While I was driving on this road, "Heroes" by David Bowie started playing on my Spotify playlist and I was struck with a surge of memories. I looked up at the sunroof and then back at my sisters and said, "Does anyone want to sit outside the sunroof?"
You see, the last time I did that was in high school. I was with a few good friends of mine - a couple I don't talk to anymore, one of those ended in horrible heartbreak that took literal years for me to get over. We romanticized The Perks of Being A Wallflower and we'd drive through the canyons coming up Estes and play "Heroes" real loud and sit outside my friend's truck's sunroof. It felt good. It felt reckless and slightly illegal, but it felt good. We connected over that.
In the past five or so years, I haven't been able to do that - partly because it reminded me of a friendship that ended and left me feeling brokenhearted, but also partly because it felt like a memory of happiness that was shared with these people. It was like I couldn't experience that happiness again because the people that were in that memory were gone. And they are still gone.
But when my sisters took their turns sitting out that sunroof in the car we were driving on the road outside Cheyenne, I was struck with the feeling that I was also in those memories. To not equate me to any of those other people meant I did not equate myself with creating part of that happiness. I was much a part of that happiness, just like they are to me.
My mom asked if I wanted to sit outside the sunroof and I said, "Yes, why the heck not" and we turned "Heroes" up real loud and I realized I have all the friends I need. Even more so, this was my memory now. It didn't need to be shared. My sisters equated sitting out of the sunroof and listening to "Heroes" to me and me only. They didn't know my old friends.
They only knew me now. And I knew happiness when I saw it.
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