My greatest secret is that I always write these blog posts when I'm feeling a little sad. Dear reader, I have been sad for some time and that's the truth. Depression and anxiety have HIT since starting grad school and my usual productive, social self has been taking a downhill turn for the past couple years. I don't have a specific topic I'm planning on writing about, but I've been praying recently and when I pray I say, "God, help me find the words. Help them see me for me."---> Obviously, this is more in context for when I've felt anxiety creep in for social situations. It's a prayer and a mantra to help me be more vulnerable and lean into who I am as a human and I know myself to be a genuine and authentic person. So if someone doesn't want me in their lives in some capacity, I look elsewhere.
Dear reader, this is me praying, "God, help me find the words. Help them see me for me." I'm a 24 year old adult still typing away on a blog I made when I was 15. I am currently listening to "Old Friends" by Pinegrove just like I did 2 years ago when I talked about starting grad school. Dear reader, I am graduating in a month.
So what? I have been sad. Anyone who has been my friend for some time knows I relish emotions like sadness. Like, fucking bathe me in it, I'll drink that melancholy any day. Part of the reason I enjoy sadness so much is that it always feels like it heightens emotions like joy or happiness which I also love. That contrast is what makes me excited to live life and experience it. I've frequently been realizing that I live a lot of my life inside my head. I find myself oftentimes picturing me sitting next to me and saying, "Hannah, you're feeling disconnected from others? So, go connect. You're worth knowing." Oof, vulnerability - spooky, scary, right?
It is.
Just like in my last post from a couple years ago, I find myself still noticing the significant moments, but paying less attention to seemingly insignificant moments. Dear reader, just last night I was drunk standing outside a club in downtown Denver, smoking outside by the street and aimlessly wandering back to a car so I could be driven back to my apartment. My friend and I just held hands on the walk back and kept repeating the phrase "My brother in Christ" because we thought it was so funny, and honestly it is. My brother in Christ, I think moments like that make life worth living. I think God has been a bit of a comedian in my life recently and I think last night He would be laughing. Maybe He'd be saying, "My beautiful creations, my beautiful gifts, you are here now on this lovely little night holding hands and laughing and wandering around drunk, and I love you."
I've been telling people I'm reinventing myself this summer. I dyed my hair blonde and bought pink cowboy boots as an ode to red cowboy boots my mom bought me when I was just a toddler. I've been listening to old 90s indie folk, so if anyone is here to discuss Will Oldham and his many music groups or Smog, hit me up. I'm going to Europe this summer and my younger sister is getting married (!!!) and there's a hot possibility I could find myself in Big Sur for a few days, so I'm really leaning into my Americana beatnik phase and I'm starting to think I should read Kerouac although I already have "Male Manipulator" music taste with my love for Neutral Milk Hotel and Sun Kil Moon and Cigarettes After Sex and I just think reading Kerouac may add fuel to the flame. I already drive an old Subaru Outback. I live in my flannels. Maybe I am a male manipulator? Maybe I should lean into that.
Currently, I've been living in a bit of a state of existentialism because I'm graduating with my M. A. and don't really have any clue what I want to do with my degree and I've been thinking a lot about the passing of time and the passing of moments and that eventually I'll slip into the ether known as death and maybe I'll welcome it with open arms, but maybe I'll think my time is too soon. Maybe I'll die tomorrow. Anywhoooo on that note, I have been thinking a lot about just these little moments we have and we can hold. Like holding hands with my friend and repeating "My brother in Christ" or today when I was watching Love, Death & Robots with my roommate sitting in our little apartment that I probably will not be living in for much longer. In my last relationship, I found myself getting in my head a lot and taking a bit of a grounding step back and saying, "Hold on, no matter how this relationship works out, you are not going to get this moment back with him at this party in this specific apartment, so try leaning into this moment." Living in my head is a form of escapism and I realize I do that a lot. I challenge myself by saying, "What would it look like for you to take a step out and try connecting to others? Try celebrating them." That's a trait I love about myself. I LOVE celebrating other people and their little wins and their existence.
These past few years have been hard because I think of myself as a generally ambitious, hard-working, open human being and I've found it increasingly hard to connect with others. Call it the effects of COVID, call it the depression and anxiety, call it the sinkhole that is social media. I'm not sure, probably a combination of all three. I'm very good at giving grace to other people and very bad at giving it to myself, so I've started to speak up more about my needs with other people and call them out and give them my honest opinions and I've started speaking more kindly to myself and telling myself that it's okay that I'm feeling closed off but what would it look like if I tried to connect with someone else in some way? I tell myself that it's okay if I want to see that ex or splurge a few bucks to buy a new fancy candle and it's okay I don't know what I want to do with my degree yet. I am young and I (maybe) have time. And even if I don't have time, why not make life fun to live in while I can?
There's also such a beauty in structure and schedule and boundaries. So I've been leaning into that, too. Boundaries have helped with vocalizing my needs and giving grace for myself and hopefully just being a safe person for other people, too. But what a concept! I super love the idea of "changing narratives" and recognizing when something is hard for me, it may be a good thing for me, too. And also allowing myself to reconnect with my childhood self and not beating myself up so much and giving myself permission to go out and live life and ask about things and be curious. What a weird feeling, not living in survival mode. Like I trust myself that I'll be able to sort through my own emotions and I have started crying in front of people these past couple years (which has been a huge thing for me) and I also have such solid and good friends that I know if I need help or emotional support, they will be there and can hold space for me. Friendships are fucking immaculate. I have a tendency to lose myself in romantic relationships, and the reasons for that are looped in with an anxious attachment style I've had reinforced since childhood (although I think I'm slowly starting to get more secure!) and what was just modeled to me. But whenever I go through a breakup, I'm obviously very sad and very brokenhearted for some time (also love leaning into the sadness and melancholy ;)), but I remember how COOL it is that I have so many good pals!!! So, so cool. I think God always reminds me of the beauty of platonic friendships because it always just means so much to me and I have very good friends. It reminds me that love is something that is beautiful because it is cultivated and grows over time and it's easy and safe and kind of scary because it's vulnerable and why should that not transfer over into romantic relationships?
My friends remind me of all the good traits I have and I have a lot of good traits I can bring to the table in a platonic or romantic relationship. I am so good at finding beauty in small things. Just the other day when I was walking back from the post office I saw a roly poly walkin along the sidewalk and I was listening to "A Couple Days" by Valley Maker and I thought about the various aspects of life that I have yet to discover and how important it is that this little bug is just crawling around on the ground and he's important to the Earth. I have started listening to "These Days" by Nico a lot so I can pretend I'm in a movie scene like the one in The Royal Tenenbaums where Margot is walking off the bus towards Richie. I walked around Wash Park the other day just listening to it and I absolutely destroyed my ankles in these shoes I bought because I wanted to be Audrey Horne from Twin Peaks. Anyways, I am good at finding beauty and finding meaning. I think in a way, I'm kind of an optimist despite my love of leaning into sadness.
Anyways, I have been sad. Even now, I am frustrated because I don't know if there's necessarily any solid point I'm trying to make in this post or if I just had the bug to write. I'd like to tie this all up in a little bow at the end and give you, dear reader, a beacon of hope at the end of this, but maybe it's this:
Next time, truly listen. Listen to the wind that hits your windows when that warm springtime air blows through the city and listen to someone talking to their dog when you walk by them - a hopeful little reminder that humans do connect and we try to connect to animals that don't really understand what we're saying - and listen to that album and really chew and swallow it and I've been listening to Cranberry by Hovvdy and I'm hoping to take my love for this album to Austin with me next month (but DO NOT tell my sister Lucy that we're going to Austin because it's a surprise for her bachelorette party). I just keep thinking that these small moments are what we have to latch onto and they're enough. They are significant because they just are and I'm significant just because I am. And I hope I continue to listen to my heart when I say to myself, "Listen, Hannah, you belong. You belong, you belong, you belong." I am meaningful and significant and I belong - to the same Earth that is weakly holding onto glaciers and is providing flowers for the bees and somewhere in the world someone is dying and someone is being born and someone is giving someone a second chance and someone is finally setting up that boundary and saying a hard goodbye and I belong to that. Dear reader, if you need that reminder, please remind yourself of it. You belong and I'm happy and glad you exist.
I also think we should start saying "I love you" more and not to even hear it back, but to make sure people just know. So I guess where I'm at is a hopeful kind of sad and that's alright with me. I got this book called Poet Priest Vol. 1 by Andy Squyres (who also makes really good music fyi) and in the foreword of the book it says:
"This book is for the pray-ers of failed prayers. For the souls who have already returned to dust. For the disenchanted and the outraged, for those who deserved more. These words are for the fools in love. For the runaways who always show up in time for dinner. For the nihilists who still wake up listening for God's song."
I love that last line. And I relate to the other lines except I'm always late to everything.
So here I am feeling kinda frozen in time, but still listening to "Acolyte" by Slaughter Beach Dog and I am pissed their concert got canceled tomorrow. And I'm hopeful because this song and that whole album Birdie is still a comfort to me even 4 years after I first listened to it. It reminds me of my sisters and my childhood home and ice cream and all things I believe to be good. And I am continually reminded of the beauty of my existence.
Thank you for showing up on this earth. ❤️
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