To Be Surprised

Well, here I am. This is the last night I'll be in this strange, beautiful town of Estes Park, CO, before I head off to new adventures in Arkansas. It's kinda surreal, to be honest. I still feel like I'm not leaving. Where did the time go?? A year ago I was 11, a week ago I was 14, and well, here I am. HERE I AM.
If I had the ability to actually narrow down what my many youthful years here in this mountain town has taught me, I would do it. But, I don't think I can. I feel oddly more calm going into my freshman year of college than I was going into my freshman year of high school.
I'm gonna go through a list. It's going to be a list of stories, of wisdom and of growth, all told tonight because there is no way on Earth I am actually going to get sleep tonight. This is more of a hopeful love letter to my future life and hopefully a reassurance to myself as well as the others who may read this.
1) You are not in control. You will never be in control.
It's true, your choices are your choices. But depending on what choices you make, the circumstances and the consequences of your choice may not be up to you. MAKE WISE CHOICES. However, you can't control whether or not a family member dies or your friend doesn't talk to you anymore or a breakup. You won't always get what you want. As much as you would like something to happen, you don't have the ability to make people believe something they don't want to believe and you don't have the ability to completely control other people. You cannot save people. Let me repeat that. You cannot save people. You are a probably a 5-6 foot tall being made of flesh and mostly water with a beating heart and a working brain and you cannot save other people. You aren't anyone's savior. You own no person and no person owns you. When I was little, I played a game called "Cats and Dogs" with my sister. My sister would have her own stuffed animals she'd play with and I'd have mine. However, when I was young, I suffered from a severe case of Oldest Child Syndrome and was basically a complete dictator/control freak. It was awesome. So, when my sister and I played this game, with a whole bunch of stuffed cats and dogs we owned, I'd oftentimes manipulate the situation so I'd ultimately get to play with all my stuffed animals and also a few of Lucy's. And I'd rename hers. And I'd make them get into relationships with my animals and I'd make them go do fun stuff that adults do (like going to the bar, for example, no joke. I don't know why my parents weren't ever worried about me.) and I'd give them "real" jobs like working in a hospital, for example. This was my life. But the fact that I'd steal all of what I wanted from Lucy and I even was under the illusion that I renamed all her animals and I even got them all tied into emotional, social connections with all the other cats and dogs, it still wasn't what Lucy truly thought. Her thoughts were her thoughts and my thoughts were my thoughts. All we have are our human bodies and that's that. As much as we try, we cannot make another person think exactly how we want them to think. That would honestly be kinda boring.
2) The past is in the freaking past.
Should we look back so we can remember great life lessons that will help us with our present/future selves? Answer: Yeah, duh, or else I wouldn't be writing this post.
Should we live in the past so much we become completely nostalgic? Answer: Who are you?? Of course not.
I've had some many fantastic, wonderful memories. Probably half of those memories are with people I don't talk to anymore. Once upon a time, I tried to get back together and get connections with people who really didn't care to be super great friends with me anymore. I got so concerned that I was doing something wrong, that I didn't stop and look around and live in the present moment with the people who were present in my life who were actually loving me. The memories are beautiful and keep them forever. But Jay Gatsby was totally wrong when he told Nick, "Can't repeat the past? Why, of course you can, old sport!"
Yeah, he was way wrong.
3) There is ALWAYS hope.
When I was a freshman in high school, I had the hugest crush on a sophomore. I knew he liked me and right when I was starting to like him back and was hoping our friendship would develop into something more, he started dating one of my friends. My heart was CRUSHED. I thought to myself, "This is it. It's the end of the world. I'm 14 and I will never love another guy the way I love this guy."
Haha.
I went home the day he told me he was interested in my friend and it was just me and my dad and my sister Lucy at my house. My mom was in a different state and I didn't feel like pouring my heart out to my dad or my 11 year old sister. So, I distinctly remember sitting on the couch that Friday night feeling like I would never recover from my melancholy, until my dad said, "Hey, guess what I picked up at the Redbox? Soul Surfer!" Immediately, my teenage heart felt lighter because I had wanted to see that movie for a year. "Oh my gosh," I said. "I've wanted to see that movie forever."
It's still one of my favorite movies. But it really just made me feel so much better. I remember the scene where Bethany asks, "How can this be God's plan for me??" and I just thought in my wild, 14 year old mind, "PREACH, SISTER, PREACH." And at the beginning when Carrie Underwood's character says the Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11 (it's still one of my favorites) and then at the very end where the line that comes up says "The end is just the beginning." made me almost cry.
I made the decision to actually get together a year later with this same guy who shattered my heart into a million pieces, and this is where I'd like to say I learned from my mistake and also see #2.
But at the end of my sophomore year, this guy and I mutually broke up and I felt absolutely FREE. I was listening to the song "The Unknown" by Athlete on repeat (it's also the ending song in Soul Surfer heh heh) and I just felt so inspired. I went to Guatemala for a missions trip that summer and it was incredible. I knew that there was so much hope when it came to love and finding someone and being by yourself... there's just hope. There's hope in the heartbreak.
4) Sometimes, you just aren't going to get closure aka LET IT BE.
Once upon a time, this past year, one of my friends started to like me as more than a friend. I felt kinda bad, because he is a super nice guy, but I just did not feel the same way. Random reminder: just because someone says, "Oh, I'm not attracted to you like that." doesn't mean "You aren't an attractive person."
Anyways, I didn't know he liked me like that and I kind of led him on (unbeknownst to me) and we went to a dance together and when I randomly brought up how I liked how we were friends and I wouldn't want a relationship (this just actually happened in a random conversation), it kind of broke his heart. At least, that's the simplified story. We don't talk anymore, but my feelings of guilt haunted me for days. *shiver* I wanted him to be okay! I wanted to fix the issue!
I kept on asking him if he wanted to talk or if he wanted closure, but he'd say no or he wouldn't respond. Finally, I made a wild, uncharacteristic decision. That decision was to actually just let it be and MOVE ON. I wouldn't get closure and I'll probably never know how he was truly feeling.
And you know what? I'm doing okay, and I'm sure he's doing okay, too. We're all just floating on this wave of life.
5) Unrequited love is actually a very beautiful thing.
Nearly everyone has really liked someone who will never like them back. This beautiful, haunting feeling surrounded me for half of high school with the guy who I've mentioned in probably half these posts. Haha here's another shout out to him! He was/is one of my favorite people and such a friendly, inspiring person and I fell head over heels for him after I realized what a great idea it would be to date one of my best guy friends.
Well, he never felt the same way. In fact, I'm 100% certain I am indeed "friendzoned." And I'm 100% alright with just being friends with him for the rest of my life. It took me long enough to get here, though.
What they'll tell you is that unrequited love is an obsession. What they'll tell you is that unrequited love is pointless. What they'll tell you is that unrequited love is flat out depressing.
This is what they forget to mention: It's selfless loving someone who may not ever love you back like that. It's not pointless. You're going to love a person for as long as you love them. It's hard to just stop loving someone just like that. And last, but not least, it is BRAVE to love someone who doesn't love you back. If you profess your feelings and they don't feel the same and you keep on loving them, that's brave. If you keep on treating them as more than a friend, and they always treat you a little less than that, it's brave of you to keep doing that. You are treating another human being so well. No matter what, I can guarantee you, that your unrequited love will not go ignored.
But then, there comes a point where you'll move on. See #4.
6) Take chances. (It's really fun.)
Yes, just go on and kiss that person you love and go ahead and dance through the sprinklers even though you're "too old for that" and go on and hug someone and go on and tell someone you admire them greatly and tell someone you love them and tell them you'll miss them and compliment a stranger and do something you never thought you would do and go ahead and cry randomly and go ahead and get angry and feel your emotions bubble up inside you and go ahead and LIVE. LIVE. LIVE. LIVE.

Well, here I am. This past week, I've been saying a ton of goodbyes and packing up my room and getting prepared to go live with a bunch of strangers in a different state.
And I've thought a lot about what song I'll listen to and forever think about me going into this new chapter of my life.
I've thought a lot, trust me.
And then it hit me when I was listening to it in my car going down to Boulder with one of my best friends.
It's a little song called "To Be Surprised" by Sondre Lerche.
You know what, I'm gonna change what I said in the beginning.
If there is ONE thing I know, if there is ONE thing these years in Estes Park have taught it's to be prepared to be surprised.
You never know what's coming.
So, take chances and be prepared to be surprised.
So, fall in love with your best friend and be prepared to be surprised.
So, let it be and be prepared to be surprised.
So, keep on keeping the hope and be prepared to be surprised.
So, don't dwell in the past and actually live in the now and be prepared to be surprised.
And know you aren't in control, so be prepared to be surprised.

To be surprised.